Nadie mas que tú, mi amó!

Value of life

2011-10-31T16:43:00.003+07:00

A long while, since last I write..

Something triggers my being to ponder again how I have been recently.
I become more fearless lately, except to my Lord.
I hold strong what i should hold, and
ignore/challenge what is opposing.
I afraid of no one, seems it appears that way..

It may have its positive implication, at the same times negative..
I realize more about the fundamentals that I will never tolerate/compromise
no matter who is before me..
I don't sweat about most stuff,
but not about Who I believe, His teachings imparted, and His calling..
The more it gets opposed, the more I realize that
these are things that I can fight with my life,
as if nothing & no one else matter in this life..

It will turn negative, when I lose His guidance and wisdom
in interpreting and walking the Truth..
Perhaps the scariest days ever, when you fight for things
yet, they are outside of Him..
How much a human can withhold Your Truth, Lord?
when the struggles against sins and its nature are so strong..?

I miss our conversation, chatting session, and teasing as well, Lord..
don't You?

Thank God for today's provocation..
At least, I have a chance to converse with You deeply, intimately, honestly..

I learn that..
I'm such a person who believe to make things BIG, and BIG impacts..
Just like someone similar like me..
When make it BIG comes with the same expense as make it small,
i will rather make it BIG all the way though with a greater cost or do nothing at all..
When it comes to for my Lord, no cost is greater.. It just that I cant stand doing things half-ly..

I grow learning that..
I'm not a superwoman.. Not every slot I can fill is my portion..
I'm created to do His calling and what I'm called to..
Not for the sake of filling slots, though i actually can..
A life for my Lord..
Oh yes, not for human's command nor empty slot
even when titled 'for the glory of Yours'..

As I examine myself,
I'm afraid if i'm fallen to the sins of pride and resistance to humility..
Assure me, Lord, if i'm not..
When I move against the convention knowing You want me elsewhere..
My accountability is to You only and only..

No one ever catches me as this deeply as You do..

A world that i'm living

2011-09-05T17:00:00.003+07:00

A World that I'm Living..

I'm living in a world where everything goes fast..
Many demand things done instantly..
Losing depth,
losing the beauty of perseverance and patience..

But everything often takes time to reveal itself,

often takes time to progress..

Too fast to conclude.. Too fast to judge..

Yet, time is so short and the end is coming..

Waiting often comes intolerable

and vain, when life turns vague..

I'm living in a world where full of selfishness..

It's naive to say that everyone is good person..

Not even in the holy places, it does exist..

And.. including in me..

Life has been a constant battle

between an old me and transformed me..

My ego is too monstrous, yet to be tamed..

When the old me came back,

it's like seeing your x-boyfriend bringing ur past failures..

it's like meeting your old enemy reminding ur deep wound..

they are forgiven, but not forgotten..

I should not be consumed by its power..

not eaten up.. not let it rule over my own self..

Or i'll lost the grip and that eyes have taken their place back in me..

Greater Power, overcome please..

Calm the storm within, 'cos it's too noisy and haunting..

philosophically lo so..

Scandalous life

2011-08-11T10:05:00.002+07:00

dear Lord,
my life has been too scandalous lately..
multiply..

may You preserve and protect
the consecrated from the unholy..

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

2011-08-10T23:01:00.001+07:00

the more of YOU
makes the less of the world bearable..
no intermediaries..

rearrangement of things called worthwhile..

Food Reflection

2011-07-22T11:22:00.003+07:00

Food Reflection

Well, I really do my food reflection. Why? Previously, when you ask me what you like to eat, I have no preference, other than not so full of vegetables please. But now, to answer that I must think twice.
Gosh, food in Taiwan is really full of Pork! I'm a Chinese (naturally pork-eater) and a Christian (no prohibitions on diet). I ate diverse food, all cuisines will do. Now I realize, being an Indonesian ('tulen', meaning pure. If you don't believe it from my look, at least I'm pure Indonesian in heart), does shape my dietary takings. I eat pork not too much, but in moderation.

Excessive use in porkey here, does scare me off! I try to avoid porky when eating now, unless for respect to the host, I will eat a little. I give you tips! Eat that porkey slowly, so it remains in ur bowl. Thus, you don't have to keep taking it, when they offer. ;)

I'm a BIG fan of Indonesian food, still. I think that I am a diary and seafood lover rather than mammals (except cow) and avian. Hmm, a very protein consumer ya? Also a sugar and flour lover for desserts. I don't like sour and over-Chinese style for meal. I prefer Indo and western style more.

About Taiwan food, I know it's a bit insane to tell you that I love Chow Toufu (Stinky Toufu)! Haha..
On 30th July to 4th August, I will be more in control of my foodie. Currently I conform more, later I confirm more.. haha confirm will choose what I like! :)

Snackie, street foodie, and sweetie.. I'm coming!!! :D

Eat. Pray. Love.

2011-07-20T16:13:00.004+07:00

L’arte d’arrangiarsi

Hey there! That Italian phrase means “the art of making something out of nothing”, which really resembles my being of being here (have I confused you with the being of my word ‘being’? Haha!).

Gosh, I’m reading EAT PRAY LOVE book by Elizabeth Gilbert. I fell in love with her lively and funny writing. Somehow her chatty self has awaken my similar character of expressive, yet strange reflective mode. And her passionate indulgence in Italian language was contagious. I start to be obsessed and agreeable to her regard that Italian is the most beautiful and sexy language on earth. It’s really very cute and cool to call my handphone as telefonino. In my ecstasy, I raise a thought to learn this language. But, Mr. Ratio reprimanded me “What use can it be?”, good enough to kill this arising desire at one shot.

Back to that phrase that describes my being. I really inherit Dad’s gene of mastering that art. Elizabeth Gilbert said, “The art of turning a few simple ingredients into a feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent of happiness can do this, not only the rich.” See that? A talent of happiness? Oh yes, it comes with a thanksgiving to the Giver. ;)

To be honest, I really have nothing to do down here. A very plain and simple life of the villager. I sleep at around 10pm and wake up at 6.30am most days. You can give me a big scream of “WHAT?” for that. I can’t believe it for myself either. 10pm in Singapore, I might not even reach home! 12am is still so ‘early’ for me to sleep. And 6.30am is 5.30am in Indonesia! I don’t even have a thought of waking up, as if intending to join the fun of sweeping the public roads.

Despite of my mostly-do-nothing-days, I agree that I publish my life so lively in Facebook. Many found my new life exciting and fun with a slight tinge of jealousy. And I simply took pleasure of that. Maybe my attempt in promoting this place is really working (Yippee!). I’m not trying to be hypocrite or act-happy, but I learn to embrace and appreciate the splendor of simple living and nature. At times even il bel far niente, means “the beauty of doing nothing”.

Oh, dolce vita (“sweet life”). Which will never occur again, even if I marry a Taiwanese. Haha!

I get too accustomed with these sayings of people around me. “Do you have thought of settling down in Taiwan?”, “Why don’t you marry a Taiwanese?”, “You want my son?”, etc. If you ask what benefit I can think of by agreeing to their questions, the answer is … As they have been like my family, when I am engaged, I do not have to ship a pig from Singapore or Indonesia to Taiwan for them to kill according to Bunun culture. Good deal? Haha, they love to joke and I will say “Can consider” or “You introduce then”. ;P

You won’t believe that the thought of returning back has haunted me. Why? I really hate the insects that have gracefully decorated my legs and hands. I can’t imagine wearing long sleeves shirt and long pants to cover the dots under the super hot sun of Singapore. Gosh, I rarely ever wear long pants unfolded except Sunday in Spore!

Ciao!

Who I missed the most.

2011-07-15T16:37:00.002+07:00

Who/What I miss the most in this exploration terribly.

Reflections on the Mountain.. (Part 2)

2011-07-06T13:17:00.014+07:00

Reflections on the Mountain.. (Part 2)

Staying here, indulging with simple living really pushes me to be still and to ponder. When daily life has been very busy normally, the opposite is here. I sleep at around 10pm and woke up at around 6am. Unusually surprising?

Reflection #1
A Hygienic Person Will Find Difficulty to Live Anywhere.

After seeing people's houses, I realize that my Mom is the best manager and organizer of home. My house is very tidy, clean, and neat, well in my perception. Growing up as a hygienic person plus with this background obviously many places fall short in comparison so easily.

I stayed for few days in a pretty messy and dusty place. You won't believe me that I chose to sleep on flat wood that I have cleaned, instead of using the provided sleeping necessaries. Ain't comfortable, it was for sure. I don't know if it was God's training to expel my over-hygienic habit or to taste uncomfortable surrounding. I don't know how correct it is, but I learned to taste what Jesus said "but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head” (Matthew 8:20).

A training for mission, doesn't it? Maybe. But still, Dyna is converting her surrounding to her best perceived hygiene, instead of following through blindly. I don't know if my choice of doing is good or bad.

Other than hygiene freak, I realize I’m so “neat”-freako too. If I was about to choose between hairdryer or iron. I’ll choose iron! I wear non-ironed clothes in Taiwan, hard to believe it.

Reflection #2
The Pleasure of Being Single

A very carefree and worry-free life, down here. Exploration with whoever whatsoever is best when you are single indeed. No one to report to, or care too much that unnecessary jealousy arouse. Especially when you are with a guy.

Haha, do I sound like want to remain single or slightly playgirl? Oh no, please. Just enjoying uninterrupted pure friendship.

Hmm talking about boundary between a guy and a girl, Indonesia puts some actions in an area of taboo or grey much faster than in Taiwan. If many said Chinese are conservative, hmm well Indonesians upbringing in fact are more, I should say. Or perhaps, trust and pure friendship are established even to a third party, so the “grey” area can be just normality here. I experienced that many things that Indonesian seniors said “NO” or refrain, but Taiwanese seniors put me into (don’t think too deep and far) and they acknowledge that. My point is the difference of boundary in cultures. I might be in a deep mess anyway if I had a boyfriend. Haha! Good not to have one for this, and justification of my actions fall to the Lord only.

You might be wondering what on earth I was doing. My freedom still comes with a divine boundary from Above. Purity matters before the Lord. Don’t worry! ;)

Nevertheless, I realize that my life doesn’t belong to this country. Falling to a guy here certainly will require more calculations for future.

A New Simple Living at Taiwan.. (Part 1)

2011-07-06T11:39:00.010+07:00

A New Simple Living at Taiwan (Part 1)..

Hey ya, blog readers.. What’s up?

Have been a while since I’m blogging here. Now I had my 6-weeks internship at a Damaluan Aboriginal Rebirth at Taiwan. I stayed in Di Li, a village at the mountainous area, with Bunun Tribe. You are greatly mistaken if you think the tribal people here are very primitive and the village here is lowly accessible. I’m surfing internet here btw, hv I answered that question? ;)

But for sure, the location of the village is pretty isolated from the bigger towns and Taipei. Having own transportation will greatly ease this problem, but I have no one for sure.

The proximity to the nature is fantastic here, as wherever you turn your eyes everywhere outdoor, you will spot green mountains surround you often with dew. Oh yes, many planting fields and animals rearing here. Some houses depend on their on planting for food, so less of need to go to market. The feeling of walking around in the village is like being at Nobita’s house complex. Watch Doraemon if you don’t know what I mean.

Weather

Weather? It’s hot here, but mountainous area has a little blessing of better cooling wind (at times). Singapore and Pekanbaru are much hotter. Many people here thought that I can’t perspire, while it perhaps took a greater heat to sweat me up (as trained).

Foodie

Food. Well, too much porkey here. Very unsuitable for the Halal eaters. I can take huge variety of cuisine, but perhaps not a big fan of Chinese food. Too bad, excessive porkey scared me off. They really make a full use of a pig, from the blood, ears, and you name it. Now I figure out, I am really such an Indonesian. Stick to simple “tahu dan tempe” will be a great delight for me now. But, as a mean of courtesy, I got to eat, eat, and eat. Please, mr. Obese, stay away from me.

As a big fan of the small foodie, Taiwan perhaps can be a heaven. But most of the time, I'm with those who prefers proper meal. Deprived a bit. Wish to make up the loss before i return, but these porkey and big meals for sure has fattened me up.

People

People here are kind and friendly. A village-hood living where you can't obtain one in the city. As I walked home, kids or others who just saw me in the afternoon can nicely greet me or talk to me. Realize what city has done to us? Selfishness, self-centeredness, and self-indulgence.

I got myself many Tama(s) (Father) and Tina(s) (mother). Family of the house I stayed with are very kind and treats me like their own family member. They said, I gotta send a living pig from Indo/Spore to them when I'm engaged, according to their custom. The "safest" way to solve this is to marry locals. haha. The

y try to intro me a shuai ge (handsome bro) from the opposite mountain. So I will permanently live here.

Let me continue with a deeper talk separately.

hey life

2011-06-11T12:36:00.002+07:00

hey, life..

maybe life turns its back a little while against me..
negativity around steals something precious within me..
some of my courage, determination, and hope are absorbed..

i'm losing a grab of "rituals" that i followed..
yet, there is a higher Power that retains me to abide
regardless of what my heart and mind battle in..
hard to face my Master, when i felt so defeated & far from stable..

maybe my immobility and trappings frustrated me..
maybe my unmet expectation devaluated me..
maybe my spirituality was beaten up by the overpowering negativity..

so sick of the disturbing noise
so sick of expected "service" I was required to entertain..
so sick of fake and act-spiritual counsel..

i just need an isolation perhaps
and a renewal of strength and hope..

at this point of state
so well-trained to be heartless..
yet so fearful and restless before the Lord..

may the Lord shower me with Thy mercy and grace..
and i will muster all my strength in crisis unto the Lord
though some parts push otherwise..

Packing & cleaning up of my stuff are in progress..

2011-05-30T11:26:00.004+07:00

Packing & cleaning up of my stuff are in progress..

As usual, i can't stand seeing my books without plastic cover.. I really like neat-looking and well-protected stuff.. So yea, i'm so proud showcasing my well-covered books.. :P

Just wondering what books should i bring to Taiwan for my 1.5 months run away there.
Will i feel insecure, then i shall bring "Secure in the Everlasting Arms"?
Will i need Hudson Taylor's spirit as i go to Chinese-speaking community?
Will i miss Indonesia and bring Indo books?
Haha, these are just non-sense talk of mine.. :P

Anyway, these 2 weeks i met different new preacher..I never know them before..
First preacher told me not to listen to so many worldly songs as they will direct/indirectly affect my way of thoughts.. (haha! How did he know I listened to such songs?)
Second preacher told us not to read too many spiritual books and forget the Bible as the main one.. (haha! I can't tell if i'm in this category, but seriously I gotta find ways to love Bible more!)

Reflection on Observation Trip

2011-05-29T19:48:00.009+07:00

Reflection on My Observation Trip..

Hey there!

Being back in the city gets me lost after my peaceful journey to the village.

I shall reflect much on my rapidly changing days especially as it starts to lose its momentum.

I went to an small island in Riau Islands, Indonesia on 19-22 May. Oh yes, immediately after my exam ended. No one knew or believed how dreadful and fearful i could be withstanding the planning of this trip + demanding exams.

I dislike it to resort to people's counsels, which often added my self pity or gave empty praises of their belief in my capability. Little bringing me to stronger faith to God, little bringing me to firmer trust to God's promises. Maybe this what is lacking from people who regarded themselves as 'close' to me, even those spiritual ones. Then you know, that men are weak to cling on and you just gotta cling on God no matter what.

I thank God for those who joined in this little force for God's mission. I should say though small, yet God sent committed and solid people. They were answered prayer to the worry me. :) Again, God proves that works done in God's way never lack of His supply (Hudson Taylor's).

Day 1

We brought a wheel-chair to that island for a man who suffered from polio. It's troublesome, trust me, to bring a wheel-chair. But, when we brought it to his house, seeing him in joyful tears because that was his answered prayer. Then I know and was reminded that it was to love our neighbours as ourselves..

A lovely cheerful kid! I love such kids.. :)

At night of Day 1, strangely the generator didn't work. We had a night with no electricity (and no phone signal). What a life! :) Detached from connectivity and civilization! Haha.. (i might reflect strange happiness). It was kind of scary though holding a torchlight going to toilet outside the house at night with dogs growling in the strange tone. But we shall be afraid to Creator, rather than creations, isn't it?

As everyone was asleep, except Mr H (the evangelist that was in our team), Mrs A (the pastor of that island), and me. Under a dark silent night, lightened by oil lamp, we were still awake. We were indulging in an open and strengthening sharing. God's appointment, Mr H believed, as it was unusual they're three of us still awake in the middle of the night.

As we talked, i realize how my life is so much sustained by God's grace. No human force sets a legal boundary for me to follow God, yet it's as if there is a powerful force that keeps me in His line and gives me a sense of fear/inability to deviate. Mr H reminded me that the common fall lies when one gets to choose his/her partner of life. Yes, i know it gonna break or make one in a direct relation to accomplishing God's calling.

Perhaps it's the second most important decision in life, which will affect/ruin the rest of your life. I am highly aware of this possibility and put God's calling as the top life priority before relationship. Many i can accommodate, but also many i can't compromise when it comes to relationship.

A complex math, isn't it? Haha, more than math especially when i realize that my life shall be consecrated to my Lord. I shall keep my self as much as i can from falling to not-so-right-matches, wait for God's providence patiently, and by God's grace i will get one that can edify each other in Christ and His mighty calling. :) His grace is sufficient to me til now.

Another thing is both of them disciplined their children in God's Word, giving various positive measures in the children' interaction. Maybe most of things that they refrain their children, I did! Haha.. Silently listening to their prohibitions, I said to myself "Oops I did it!" and no one ever refrain me or teach me what the right thing to do for my sake.. Having parents that teach in fear and love of God is really a privilege, but I don't have that.

Yet, looking at what I am today. I realize that i am directly disciplined by the Lord, though my parents may fail to do so. It proves that God can use any means to supply one's spiritual growth. Christian parents don't guarantee an obedient child of God. And a non-Christian upbringing or past don't guarantee you are condemned by the Lord forever.

Btw, have i told you that i didn't bath that night? Hahaa.. Unbelievably stinky me! Trust me, i would not prefer that if i had a choice. I'm such a highly hygienic creature. :P This is called, blend in well with circumstances.. hahaha..

Day 2
I love having a quiet time before God in peaceful green village-setting! :) Perfect!

During house visitation, a very old grandma's simple testimony taught me how the childlike-faith prayer is. She lives alone. She prayed that when it rained so heavily, the strong wind wouldn't blow to her house. Because if the coconut fell toward her house (made of wood) and towards her, she could die. She used simple and rather-funny words to pray, but that what a childlike-faith is! God doesn't need your bombastic captivating words, or your fake holy hallelujah, but a true faith that rest upon Him.

She lost 5 of her close ones within a year! Including her husband and daughter. A mental pain in the past. But now she has found a greater Love.

I rarely hug people. Yet, i was so moved to give her a hug. Somehow i could feel that she must be missing her daughter badly. She hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek. I could feel and relate to her deep loss. Many called me heartless or no feeling. Toward the poor and the oppressed, i often find that my love and care are meant for them. Exactly the same feeling that I found out in Thailand in 2008.

Walking with Jesus.. :)

In the afternoon, as i prepared myself for my service alone. Mrs A's daughter, AY, approached me. This teenager asked me, "What is the most memorable in my journey with Christ?". Haha, what a sudden shocking test, huh? I never regret spending that hour to talk about God's fantastic goodness to my life and exciting journey I am in because of Christ. Knowing that teenage is such a vulnerable stage of life, I deeply prayed that God used my testimony and advices to enlighten her walk towards the Lord.

We had a fellowship at night. The guy that suffered from polio, came so early to church with his new wheelchair. His spirit is admirable! We have legs, yet we often choose to be late to church.

Anyway, that Mr H asked my age and guessed it's 17! More like an insult than a compliment.. :P I can't afford to look too young, cos my credibility will diminish.. Haha (theory of most developing countries).

Day 3
Perhaps the sweetest morning I ever had. As i had my Quiet Time at the terrace, two kids are watching me behind the windows. Well, care what, i proceed and just sang the worship songs. I ended my QT and prayed. As i opened my eyes, the children were just before my eyes sitting down! So comical happening, i'm like "What?".

So i just played the guitar and sang kids' worship songs with them. Guess what? The number of the kids grew, singing, dancing & sitting around me. I love the feeling of being loved by kids. :) Especially when all are channeled back to the Lord. And it continues til the Sunday School started. Maybe that's what Jesus felt when all the children came to Him.

Good, I had lesser time to prepare for my teaching in Sunday School, but dat's worth it!

Thank the Lord for the trip. For the lessons, laughter, support, and wonderful creations of the Lord.. :) This child of Yours is fully blessed!

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. -James M. Barrie-

Being Still

2011-05-29T19:15:00.003+07:00

i'm losing the art of being still..
captivated by the busy schedule..
then the silence seems so strange and uneasy to me..

help me Lord to remain content..
not turning myself to men for company..
not searching for another travel to fill the slot..
not creating any new activities to indulge in..
learning to seek the Lord and His words..

please grant stillness in this rebellious heart, Lord..

Dyna & Her Life Play-fully..

2011-05-26T22:52:00.002+07:00

Dyna & Her Life Play-fully..

This self of mine is seriously full..
Gotta spend some time to pour it out..
and reflect before God, of course..

Oh well yeah, life has flowed rapidly
back to back, one to another..
Though the "smoothness" is not as fantastic as expected
yet, thank God for everything.. :D

How's Life?

My skin get tanned and decorated with mosquito bites..
I thought I was good enough to resist village's mosquitos
well, i'm wrong 'cos i'm too delicious for them to savour..
Never been bitten this badly.. My skin is temporarily damaged..

Well, care what of being tanned..
I am an anti-oily person (at an expense of damaged skin)..
But haiss my only complain is
my darker skin tone doesn't match well with some colours of my clothes..
haha, perhaps this is the weirdest concern that you have ever found in regards to being tanned..
i'm too colour sensitive perhaps..

i'll try to pink-it-up today, but really pink doesn't go well..
Talking about pink..
today i met a guy at Sentosa who wear almost exactly like me..
pink polo, purplish blue shorts, white Crocs slippers..
strange.. but just assume that we have the same good taste for the colours of the day..

I'm getting fat seriously!
Exam makes me eating a bit impulsively..
As i tortured my body & brain much, i often let it be happy by eating all that they want..
i thought i'll hv a good tone down as i entered village..
it was, but after that..
My consumption increases like mad, both willing & unwillingly..
+ 'cos my full family is in Sg, gotta entertain 'em..
somehow i realize that many like & are happy to see that i am a good eater..

but having this unhealthy feeling is bad..
gotta exercise more..

i'm having a singing virus..
don't know why my brain & heart are just full of songs,
since exam period..
my mouth often can't stop itself from singing..
Relating many things i encountered with various songs..

I thought that i was only me, but when i went for a trip
haha, an evangelist dat i just knew had the same weird habit..
good to have a friend.. :)
But yea, i'm still happily singing..

I should be a cafe singer for fun
(a decent cafe that can withstand my anyhow voice)..
Cos that job requires less brain..
Then as i hear my own voice a lot,
i often get sick of it and stop singing..
So i end this virus of singing of mine..

I'm a little bit obsessed with arts (& Vincent Van Gogh)..
Yeah, my right brain maybe demand attention from me..
Wish to produce some artworks
and make Dad's new house like my museum of art..
Hahaha.. Cool plan isn't it? :D
anyway, my mosaic has been approved to be displayed ther..
(more to come, daddy!)

Oh well, i reason, think, and plan a lot lately..
Gotta to slow down and reflect..
Write some and make some sense..
And settle some admin tasks that cheerfully await me..

Dat's my end of my random talk..

2011-05-17T13:04:00.002+07:00

Jesus, You know I'm not a superwoman
who can handle multiple things on earth
and make it well..

i don't know why..
as time gets nearer, momentum beats faster
i'm experiencing a sudden break down...
i'm lost..

my confident in my own capability fades..
my mind is so distorted by all sorts of things..
my trust gets weaker..

i'm so dictated by many kind of voices..
voices for blaming my past, present, and future..
i'm too weak to discern Yours..
i'm too faith-less to believe You fully..
i'm too distracted to focus on You..

yes, fear and anxiety overwhelms me..
i'm tossed by the wind..
i'm losing any refuge on men..

what i know is You are there
and know what i am going through..
establish my faith in You alone, Lord..

let me not indulge in self-pity..
let me not be shaken by people's expectations..
You matters alone..

2011-05-14T23:10:00.003+07:00

growing stronger, running faster..
who will run this race?

battle of mine

2011-05-11T23:55:00.005+07:00

the more each day
You taught me to have no reserve for self..
let the happiness of You and others You love
be mine alone..
and any additional You grant to me is solely gift..

enable me Lord to wrestle against all voices within..
if i don't draw nearer to You, i will be lost
and be unable to hear and differentiate Yours..

when we, the saved, start to dispute what is "fair"
we will fall into unending arguments
which indirectly cause a silent "hatred" or "jealousy" on others..
how can we weight our own measurement of balance
when God has saved us so freely
and everything is a gift of God?
no one has any right to dispute how much the Giver shall give..

pardon me Lord if it's my fault
to let loose and allow much liberty..
i choose not to think i get handicapped
but i will fight along..

deviation, deviating, deviated..
is that mine to control?
is that mine to solve?
is that my portion in the first place?

this life has just never been mine..

Thoughts of Mind and Mine..

2011-05-10T21:21:00.005+07:00

Thoughts of Mind and Mine..

I'm in a constant state of craving on sinful food..
I expect myself to put on weight after this exam period..
I shall pamper and entertain it a bit..
(there will come a time when I might have none)

Then, after this intense brain quenching mode,
I will turn to be His field worker immediately
where I'm expected to lose some unnecessary fats..

I can't believe that I seek no gap for rest after my exam
and straight away jump to another..
I'm just afraid if i miss any important contacts or preparation..

But indeed

God’s work done in God’s way will never lack God’s supply. – Hudson Taylor –

I rarely utter my personal wants/burdens to other people,
when it relates to me alone..
I often find it too selfish for me to do so..
Everyone has their problems, and mine is simply not theirs..

But I believe that God who loves me much
knows, hears, and comes to my rescue when i really need..
He did! He answers me in a surprising way.
Thank the Lord!

Despite of having constant stable & positive outlook,
I'm still prone of challenges and brokenness
in denying myself and carrying my cross..
But, given the test for endurance and perseverance before the Lord
Yes, i should say it is well with my soul.. :)

His grace is sufficient to me..
though i hope i would get dependable partner(s)
to accomplish His mission possible..
God, if you can get some duplicates of me
haha that's gonna be great..
So far I just found one..

Though I often appear as if I need no one..
I need your constant prayer..
So my + outlook is derived from God's strength & joy alone,
having a meek and humble heart in serving the Lord and the lost
granted wisdom and discernment to walk my path..

Yes, my brain is squeezed a lot now,
my next task is gonna be harder..
Not physically, but spiritually..

Let Love be real

2011-05-09T19:11:00.002+07:00

Give me Your hand, along the desert pathway,
give me Your love wherever I may go.

Give me Your strength when all my words are weakness,
give me Your love in spite of all You know.

- "Let Love be Real" -

My only wish, Father..

A Story of A Total Stranger

2011-05-07T13:24:00.002+07:00

A Story of A Total Stranger..

As i walked along the corridor of the school seeking for a quiet bench to resume my study after being "kicked out" from the library due to election day (Indonesian is a pro of making long sentence, which is a big hatred in English literature!), I saw a man sitting quietly on a bench. Not really looking at the man, but the cute stylish mini-laptop of him. Pardon me, 'cos my eyes and ears are so formatted to beautiful objects. But behind that laptop, there was something that is more captivating, Holy Bible.

I believed he was not there for displaying his holiness. Today was such a peaceful Saturday with few people around the school. His appearance and way of dressing weren't capturing enough for one to notice his presence. Such a traditional-looking guy. Perhaps my yellow shirt was more striking indeed (hehe..). Yet, I sensed something powerful from him, a power of deriving one's strength from the Lord.

I continued my walk getting a bench further up. Yet, after 1 hour plus, I couldn't stand it. The unending conversation of a couple three-benches away was too annoying. I wondered what language was that, but I failed to figure it out. It was so loud, unending, and yes, absolutely irritating!

Gearing to go back to my hall, I saw that man again still on the same bench. Bowing his head touching the surface of his Bible, he was deeply indulged in his prayer with the Lord. He was full of reverence and stillness of the Lord. And I sense such a strong power of solitude in Him.

Seriously, I thought that kind of man has started to extinct! (oh yeah, to be fair and not sexist, I should add "that kind of woman" too!)

Such a young man on Saturday afternoon, hello it's weekend. I saw no crazily thick books nor notes around him, perhaps he was not in a rush of exam period. If you are looking for such people in the church or monastery (i mean seminary, haha..), well that's easy. You will witness a nice blend of genuine and fake holiness is constantly displayed by them.

Well, I'm just glad to meet such rare species that captured my mind on my way back til I'm just so forced to write this up. Like a gentle stream in the desert of Finance notes of mine, he is showing a leading example of true believer. Not by words only, but real practices. We have talked so much, haven't we?

If you were to ask if he is handsome? I should say no, but his fear of God outshines his look.
If you were to ask if I got to know him personally? I should answer no too, no need for me to do so. :P

And as i walked back to my hall, I saw a young handsome and well-built man..
But that's all.. nothing was so impressive from this other guy..

:) have been a while since I wrote narrative..

Muak

2011-05-07T00:08:00.004+07:00

Ampun Tuhan..
Ini mah susah bgt..
Otak gw gak nyampe or sanggup utk contain all these..
Muak sekali dg angka2 & kata2 yg complicated itu..
Dempet2 & rame lagi.. Aduuuh..
Gmn dong?

Otak uda makin karatan, trs masi gak keluar2 jg dr skolah..
Hais... Sy mana betah sih disuru belajar dr dulu.. :(
Haha, justru karena itu saya yg dipilih utk belajar..
Kalo tidak, makin liar..
I know You love paradox.. but HELP!

A Part that I Choose Not to Erase..

2011-05-03T23:52:00.003+07:00

A Part that I Choose Not to Erase..

Wow..
Five years has departed since that bold decision arrived..
I never regret it, well not at all..
Cos my one-year-ache was nothing
compared to the most precious that I have found for my life.. :)

If you call that a heartbreak, I call that a beautiful process of refinement..
I'm waiting for the clock to tick to 12am
to wish him my sincere happy birthday wishes..

Thank you, bro, for being a part of my life..
You would not know what great lessons I earned before and after that day..
And I'm just so glad to cherish it! :)

Can't stand it..

2011-05-02T21:48:00.002+07:00

gosh, i can't stand to be still studying..

strangely, when i'm in studying period,
i tend to listen more to music
and write blog posts..

good diversion of brain..

Last day of school for my first year in NTU

2011-04-29T20:12:00.005+07:00

Oh My!

Last day of school for my First Year in NTU!

Gosh, I'm such a HUGE lover of art's beauty..
Be it music, painting, photos!
I can't stop not appreciating beauty..

Dat's why under my distress, it's a blessing to listen to people with great voices..
At times when i had to use my brain a lot,
seriously think of doing something utilizing my other part of brain please..
Can't i just be a cafe singer?
Radio broadcaster for songs?
Happy painting/decorating stuff?
Haha.. you wish..

Well, people, exam is coming!
I hope you can find me nerdy, though some of you might vomit..
I wish to push down all my tendency of enjoying life..

Books, please distract me from:
- Art Science Museum which featured my favorite artist, Mr Van Gogh..
But i'll go after exam as a treat! Cos Salvador Dali's is there!
(you might start thinking how i know so much
given i'm so busy with deadlines, haha my heart never really here i guess..) aiss.. I start to sing "Starry, Starry Night" soon for Mr VG..

- SG Biennale: just out of curiousity, but lose out with my eagerness towards VG..

- Whateva hang outs with great cliques that I have..

Though, Books, you're not beautiful enough to distract me..

Anyway, thank God..
Cos when i start losing my confidence and hope in my studies..
He granted me enlightenment.. :)

And it's an honour
that the first person who wished me all d best for my exam
is my Course Manager in Poly..:)
So meaning, study lar... Don't keep playing!

Art Works of Mine that are highly inspired by VG:
Don't ask me "from which angle like his?",
but just say "Hmm similar to his style" will be more than appreciated. :P
Our playing of contrasting colours and swirl is similar.. Love His works!

no-iphone-day.

2011-04-29T00:30:00.003+07:00

What a Thursday!

Perhaps i never dedicated to my day this much
in terms of continuity, time & effort
for various school tasks..
Thank God, i'm done with today..

I started my day at 6 am, studying accounting..
Rehearse my presentation, in class for presentation,
Finance Seminars (3hrs), Accounting Quiz,
IT project meeting til 12am+..
And here I am..

My i-phone failed me today..
My continuous busy-ness distracted me enough
having not to care about it..
Well, Lord, at least i proved that i'm not an addict? :)
I survived my no-iphone-day..
But if You take my other 2 toys.. Wondering if I would survive..

Strange that many contacted me to ask abt my i-phone..
Even with follow-up..
While busy and exhausted me didn't even bother..
At times we tend to care more on things than people..
Anyway, i miss using my Hp Gepeng.. Haha.. Flat handphone..

But, i was about to fear that my body will fail me as well..
The highly conscious me had injected Vit C effervescent to my body..
Thank God for preserving and not failing me for sure..

After a packed day,
I just wish to take a good bath, clean-up my self..
Stay this silent night a while, waiting my hair to dry..
Slow down and thank my Lord for enabling me.. :)

dear Tuhan

2011-04-27T01:04:00.003+07:00

dear Tuhan,

Penasaran nih..
Tuhan lg nonton apa sih dr kehidupanku?
Aneh, ngintip dong! :P
Haiss, fishy nih.. Jangan kerjain saya aja deh, please..

Apapun itu, biarkan pikiran, hati & perilaku
tetap tdk bercacat & bernoda di hadapan-Mu..
Tolong jaga anak-Mu yg nakal ini from misbehaving..
Engkau tahu, hatiku tetap very much terpaut pada-Mu.. :)

-dyn & her accounting questions di malam hari-

Moment of Easter 2011..

2011-04-23T21:03:00.003+07:00

Moment of Easter 2011..

First heart-breaking news!
It's heart-breaking as I searched for Easter craft/activity for my toddlers..
(Erm, my Sunday School toddlers, in case you think I has a kid)
All are about eggs, bunnies, candies, and colourful stuff..
They forget who is the Main Actor of this Easter.

Well, I had a dilemma in deciding 4 chick-craft.
Made of plastic cups, paper plate, ice cream stick, or paper + feather?
Such a weird dilemma in the morning..

Here it is! :)
This is too cute + stupid-looking..
Thanks to http://rootsandwingsco.blogspot.com/2009/03/paper-plate-easter-wall-hanging.html for the idea! Great one seriously!

Second Heart-Breaking News!
I went to a St Peter Paul Church..
My fav Sanctuary of Serenity & Strength from my Savior..
I love to have a lonely meditation & pray there..
It's heartbreaking 'cos I only saw oldies prayed..
Start to think, where are the young ones?
I remember the first time I stepped into this church
for doing my artwork..
Yet, thank God that it is such a wonderful place to seek You and Your will.. :)

Fully Declared

2011-04-12T18:50:00.003+07:00

Fully Declared..

I am fully declared as God's own investment and asset..
My Big Boss is the Lord, who reigns my whole life..
He commands my complicated + fragile destiny, not men..

I receive explanation from men,
but not command to influence my future,
which potentially distorts my direction of life..
Some people are given rights by Him to control me, but not everyone..
Worse, if one doesn't connect well with my Big Boss..

If under the name of the Lord, i was 'forced' with the opposing statement..
Perhaps we have different boss..
And my boss is not you..

My life is not mine to decide.. Obviously not yours..

Outpouring heart of reflecting..

2011-04-10T23:10:00.002+07:00

Outpouring Heart of Reflection..

I'm full of refusal to sleep tonight..
I'm full of refusal of doing anything else on earth..
I'm full of refusal of caring of anyone tonight..

I can't explain what exactly drove me after the sermon
to have an outpouring heart to reflect..
On many beauty of my walk with Him
that I failed to capture.. failed to record.. failed to reflect..

This soul is just stuck! So stuck!
He has poured in so much beauty in this life of mine
And I just contained it inside.. bloated!
I need to pour this out..

His love has abundantly pampered me so far
and I just have to slow down, take time, and enjoy Him
in this race of my life.. :)

New Inspiration of New Aspiration..

2011-04-07T23:12:00.004+07:00

New Inspiration of New Aspiration..

At this late at night, i gained a new inspiration of new aspiration.. :)

Perhaps I should be a "snack-blogger" or "snack-critique"..

Why there's only food-critique, but not snack..

I think i had a real talent, love, and passion for this..

Well, yeah just another dreamer's talk of mine.. :P

Perhaps snacks, desserts, cakes, and street food are my cup of tea..

Not accounting, finance, econs, stats.. Well they don't sound delicious nor great..

But too bad, no such course like "Snack Management"..

oh yea, I just ate this newly seen snack from Indo, called "Kismis"..

Well, haiss... not so tasty..

The crackers are more tender than expected and the current ain't sweet at all + sticky..

The packaging designer has done a good job anyway, dat's why I was attracted..

maybe I rely on my eyes too much in judging which to buy..

but it always be..

rushing week

2011-04-01T09:16:00.003+07:00

Thank YOU, Lord..

Despite of these rushing weeks,
I thank YOU for all things, deadlines, and service that have come into place nicely..
Things moved so fast, extremely!
It's not my inability to catch up,
but my refusal to comply to the 'norms' has been a major problem..
Well, as expected from a naughty and always deviating child..
Yet, YOU allowed me to have a well-balanced life..
YOU strengthen me and never leave me..

I thank YOU for friends, supporters, and family..
I don't know how to express that their presence lately is so AWESOME to my life..
Their care & prayer were tremendous!
The unending joy & laughter brightened my dull normality.

Lil gesture of your care and concerns is really precious :)
Being there at 4 - 5 am when i was attacked by insomnia..
Checking and making sure if i've slept at night after my packed day with prev. 1/2 hour sleep..
Supporting and praying for me as i had tests (also bullying this poor student)..
Yet, staying up late with me a day before test to eat and laugh despite my 'anxiety' of not completing my studies.. (and you all will say "since when i'm stressed up?")
Having unending conversation which are just too crazy to comprehend,
at least making me laugh when i'm walking alone like a crazy person..

And ensuring if i'm alright.. Well, yes I am.. :)

dari hamba kepada Tuan

2011-03-30T23:21:00.003+07:00

Tuanku,

Engkau tahu isi & jeritan hamba yg terdalam..
Hamba tidak tahu bagaimana menjalani tanggung jawab yg telah Tuhan karuniakan ini..
Api dalam diri hamba sudah padam, nyaris punah..
Hamba tidak tahu apa yg saya kerjakan dan merasakan arti pentingnya bagi RencanaMu..
Sulit untuk melangkah dan semuanya seolah-olah salah..

Hamba tidak tahu bagaimana bisa melewati 2-3 tahun ke depan..
Saat ini saja hamba harus menyeret kaki hamba untuk melangkah..
Berusaha melakukan semua yg seharusnya, namun hati hamba tidak ada..
Tuan, apalah sulitnya membangkitkan semangat atau api yg padam ini?
Sepercik pun dariMu pasti akan menerangi hidup hamba..

Tuan, hamba malu dengan apa yg kujalani..
Hamba tidak mampu mempertanggung jawabkan ini dengan baik..
Fokus dan waktu hamba terus mengalir ke tempat lain..
Hamba pun tidak mampu mengukur takaran yg tepat untuk semua yg ada..
Salahku, semua salahku.. Hamba yg hina..

Hari lalu bagaikan bayangan kesuksesan semu bagiku..
Hari ini sedemikian gampangnya menghancurkan semua yg terbangun..
Ditambah kehampaanku dalam menjalani ini..
Jika hamba menjalani sesuatu yang berakhir buruk, kenapa harus kumulai sebelumnya?

Hamba mulai muak dengan ekspektasi orang lain, sekolah, dan semua..
Pikiran-pikiran orang yang membordir tulisan "pintar" di kepala hamba..
Dari mana dapat ku jalani hal yang tak ku akui adalah milikku?
Semua dari semula adalah kurniaMu kepada hambaMu yang bodoh ini..

Tuan, sampai kapan? Tolong.. Beri belas kasihanMu..
Sampai kini tidak juga Engkau menyuruhku keluar..
Hamba akan tinggal, namun tolong jangan biarkan hamba menjalani waktu dengan sia-sia..
Mengecewakan hatiMu..

Dari hambamu yang terperosot dalam lembah ketidaktahuan..

a race

2011-03-28T19:55:00.004+07:00

A Race...

I am put in a race of time and tasks..
My vision blurred..
My plan broken..
My strength weaken..
Dramatically I was driven to a sudden mess..

I put my faith and trust in Him..
Who promised that I can lean on His everlasting arms..
Who promised that He will guide me til the end of time..
Who promised that He will keep me burning to accomplish His will..

Teach me Lord to count my days,
so i obtain a heart of wisdom..
Teach me Lord to be joyful all the time,
regardless of the situations, none can affect Your faithfulness..

"Loyalty to Jesus means I have to step out where I do not see anything (cf. Matt. 14:29); loyalty to my notions means that I clear the ground first by my intelligence. Faith is not intelligent understanding, faith is deliberate commitment to a Person where I see no way. " - Oswald Chambers-

Bullied

2011-03-26T01:21:00.004+07:00

dear Lord,

Happy smiling still? on this naughty child of Yours?

Oh yeah, i've traced back, You play "chasing" with my spoken words!
What a trick huh?
You are just too funny, waiting for me to protest realizing that You have bullied me!!!
Happily watching how dyna will survive reacting to this trick?

But i'll stick on You, hehe..

Oh well.. I know there'll 3 possibilities of Your reaction:
1. You will laugh out loud..
Oh yes, if it's make You happy.. I'm more than privileged to paint a smile on Your face, my Lord..
2. You are not as cruel as me and laughing at such thing..
Honestly if I were You, I will just happily laughing at this naughty dyna.. Just my humble view, my Lord..
3. Up to Your reaction.. :) (genius answer, isn't it? :P)
But, let me not to fail You, please.. Not even once..

Keep this joke between us.

Good night.
Tough days ahead for me, but let all be done by Your mercy & grace..

Need You MORE.

Your naughty child (as always),
-dyn-

disturbed soul

2011-03-05T22:57:00.005+07:00

I can't believe..

Lately I'm still tossed

from the zone of stability to and fro the instability..

Easily provoked soul..

Battling complicated mind..

Sinful tempted heart..

God, H.E.L.P!

Perhaps i shall get a private escape

quieten down my damaged being..

I need no one, but You..

Enough for talking,

Enough for accusing,

now i shall listen and contemplate..

Help me to stop saying

"I might get a back-turn away from You"..

Gangst*r Gathering + Voyage de Lavie

2011-02-26T01:17:00.002+07:00

A Soul-Lifting Escape to Sentosa
with Fellow Gangst*r..

Thanks God! I know i've been crazy lately..
Battling so hard with my thought..
Thank You for an escape to restore my being..

Alrite, I think my blog is getting too sentimental..
I shall hype it up! :)
I miss constant post on attractions or events
like when I was a tourism student..

We went to Sentosa on Thursday night..
Oh yeah, awkward timing I know..
But, it's a great escape in the midst of busy week..
Thanks to Kelly for the discounted tickets.. :)

Gosh, I love Voyage de Lavie!!!
Maybe it's me who is so arty..
I can easily in love with beauty, art, and creativity..
My expression will be full of awe and captivation, like a child,
whenever I'm so into the shows..

(though i can still complain on some part of the show)

Well, Thank God for this treat!
It's lifting up my spirit,
getting me to think clearly and positively again..

And thank God for these crazy beings..
I had a good laugh, fun, and food! :)

I WANT TO WATCH LION KING AT MBS!!!

Battling State of Heart

2011-02-23T22:13:00.004+07:00

Battling State of Heart..

I'm battling with my melancholy intensely..
Every root of my complicated maze of rushing thoughts
leads me to conclude that You are bad..
I'm forced to adhere that every undelivered promises of Yours
is because that You think I'm incapable..
Oh yes, i'm so incapable, weak, unable..

I shall fight hard enough to discern Your goodness..
Yet, i'm fragile.. now..

If my being was as strong as a stone wall..
Now it's as thin as a balloon..
Negativity of my melancholy pumps my balloon,
bigger, bigger, and even BIGGER..
Leaving a thin surface overwhelms me..
Any needle, oh no, even stupid blunt pencil
from any direction will be more than enough
to burst my defense..
How can my limited strength endure?
How long I can keep shutting any broken holes?

I'm juggling too many bottles..
I have too many school modules and tasks..
I get too many areas of service in the church..
I befriended closely with too many diverse cliques of friends..
I obtain too many appointments of leisure..
And i know i can't add in some more..

Full, packed, bursting..
It's not my failure to catch up with those individually
that matters me..
When these whole thing jumbled up,
it's still fine..
But when it's more I know any part will be broken..
unless You grant me extra power, strength, and wisdom..

However any free-style demand
can easily provoke me
twisting my hand's strategy to hold on
to what I should hold on..
Insensitive being..

I was told to find 2-3 friends with the same fire..
I found none.. No one..
No one i could delegate..
No one can ease/share this commandment..
No one have a burning genuine heart..
No one who i can trust fully on this..
No one who i know, will pick up the way of the cross
whatever it costs..

Leaving this messed up creature here..
Lord, i'm just a student..
Many have forgotten..

Do You think i'm just too incapable?
Want to think twice in considering me?
I can't hide my devilish eyes, corrupted brain, and divided heart from You..

P.S: When I'm raised from this state, i will have a good laugh on this post and scrap it off.. God is good no matter wad.. and now my melancholy thoughts you are my enemies..

Grace

2011-02-16T23:36:00.004+07:00

G.R.A.C.E

"A 30 years old's way of thinking trapped in 20's body."
Such a cute description of me from my friend..

I realize that an ability to uphold the Faith
and growth in Faith is seriously a GRACE..
It has nothing to do with how old you are..
Nor how expert you Bible knowledge is..

As the dry season reflects its strike to my life,
to hold steadfastly to Your hand
is seriously a joke..
No own self strength can do this, unless..
by Your Grace, You enable me..
Your silly-weak-dry-plain child..

When the dryness attacks me
physically with its exhaustiveness
mentally with its emotional disturbance
spiritually with non-enriched quiet time..
My sole prayer and dependence on You
uttering 2 words, "Lord, HELP"..

You are great..
Bringing me to a short moment of "transfiguration"..
A term of 'spiritual high' often used by my fav. Oswald Chambers..
A faith strengthening meeting with my x-Thai team..
Their eagerness to pursue Your call has
risen up my spirit to chase after my call..
I'm so touched seeing Your work of hand
in their life..

A friend told me a 'vision' about me..
"God will keep equipping me with His armors
and my heart will beat stronger and stronger for His mission."
Regardless its truth, after all
it's a way that i shall head my self to..

Am I afraid of death?
I can't wait for my life to accomplish Your task
before I'm dead..
And I believe that You won't call me
before I complete my job, in this world..
So why shall I fear to step on to the unknown?

All I know, in all circumstances
I shall be always in a good shape to 'fight'..
Wrestling like Jacob, grasping a hold on His hand..
No matter how my body or self was turned upside down..

From my transfiguration,
back to the real world, oh yes, super broken world..
Like a hard landing..
oh yes, with an 'OUCH!"..

Mr Dryness is back to conquer my spirit..
A silent battle within my soul..
My mouth was as if shut, leaving no trace of joyful smile..
Schedules and tasks frame my day to day like boundary..

In my 'flat' state of life,
converting my silence to a quiet state of mind..
"Be still and know He is God"..
Journeying along in this desert of heart
while forcing my eyes to fix themselves upon the Maker..
Be it that I can stumble, but can't afford to lose my sight..

A friend appeared unexpectedly and 'accidentally'..
thank God that he's like a stream in the desert..
Breaking the hidden codes of silence,
unleashing the smile back to my life..
Also, my naughty joyful soul to life..

If you think i'm good in talking sensibly and politically right
especially in terms of personal relationship with God..
i won't dare to talk when i don't live my talk..
i've experienced Lord day by day, through ups and downs..
it's not an instant work! a refining process..

I must have a good faith..
Not enough.. a GREAT faith..
also faithfulness..

He is still my HERO..
and i'm, erm sorry to make u envy but, His favorite little naughty child..
He won't fail to provide what is good to His favorite, isn't it?

Lastly I'm not under any illusion..
Still I'm His favorite..
I don't care even David was claimed as 'Man after God's Own Heart'..
Sounds like a competitor huh?

Alrite, as I'm still far from Mr David..
I shall keep 'upgrading' my faith..
Dat's what "growth" is for, right?
(just answer 'CORRECT, dyna'
then i'll end my stories..)

dyna on 14th Feb

2011-02-14T16:45:00.003+07:00

Hais, Dyna Shonata..

In the middle of unending schedule that shapes my road..
In the middle of fatigue due to lack + problem of sleep..
In the middle of self quiet time that rarely refreshes my soul..

I learn to accept to discipline my self..
And be content under all circumstances..
Stick to You no matter what is around..

I turn to You, my Refuge.. Light my life when it's dark..

I will lift up my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from?
My help comes from Yahweh, who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved. He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
Yahweh is your keeper. Yahweh is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
Yahweh will keep you from all evil. He will keep your soul.
Yahweh will keep your going out and your coming in,
from this time forth, and forevermore.
-Psalm 121-

When

2011-02-08T19:36:00.001+07:00

When my vision questions Your promises..
When my brain questions Your faithfulness..
When my body questions Your provision..

Assure me, O Lord, that You know best and are in control..
Grant me enough grace to wait upon You
and endure..

The Sweetest Gift in the Midst of Rushing Life..

2011-01-30T23:08:00.007+07:00

The Sweetest Gift in the Midst of Rushing Life..

A rushing life is coming..

Still You are my greatest comfort, strength and joy..

As the days increase its number, day by day,

You taught me how to be ready whenever You ask to react..

How to reach to all ages, the people that Your heart loves most..

I learn to remember

my "extra" time, effort, or perhaps trouble

are seriously nothing compared to Your love and sacrifice for my soul..

I learn how dearly "Thy Kingdom" is for Your people..

A long awaited promise, when Your sovereignty being proclaimed to the nations..

A gentle, yet bold wish that everyone will finally confesses when they see the Real Truth..

Thank You for enabling me to understand, what it means to You

though I just can comprehend it a little..

The song of "Thy Kingdom" somehow almost brings me to tears,

i began to understand what it means to wait eagerly for Your Kingdom..

Yet, i realize how far i am from Your standard..

Many aspects of Your commandments are neglected by my being..

When wishes and knowledge never turn to real action,

I must bring a disappointment to Your heart..

May Your grace help me to rise from my "comfort zone"

learning to know how to walk without any reluctance

at the way of the Cross..

I realize how far i am from knowing You..

Many things about You that I do not know..

and sometimes not bother to know, truthfully..

I didn't search You deep enough..

Everytime I spoke about You seems to make me tremble

cos i'm too inadequate to proclaim Your name..

And now i shall be left with no excuse,

but an action to chase Your presence, Word, and Kingdom

in my life..

For what You are in my life,

i shall be ashamed 'cos my deeds to You seriously

fall short extremely from what You have done to me..

This is a beauty of a Grace..

If I can express my utmost gratitude

by giving my life as Your servant,

enable and strengthen me to keep this vow faithfully

for the rest for my life..

Yes, You are my sweetest gift for my life..

Of course sweeter than my fav. chocolate.. Hihihi..

Your normally weird child,

dyn

Accumulation of Wonders & Happenings

2011-01-27T23:43:00.003+07:00

Accumulation of Wonders & Happenings

Dear Lord,

An urge to write is so strong,
yet my capability ain't good enough
to express this whole accumulating wonders and happenings
that rotated rapidly before my eyes
lately.

----

I face incoming weird impressions of people
on me..
Well, perhaps, i've been acting too playful
giving them perception
that I ain't serious on what I'm doing, on my responsibility..

Does a choice go depending on those important, or a must?
Does a secondary always reflect a neglectful behavior?
Does meaning or achievement defines life?
Judgment or view of people is often so fragmented, so partial..

Human shall never live under people's impressions,
nevertheless the influence of those is inevitable..
I don't care about those, cos God knows what's within..
A creature that is still deeply hunger and thirst of being so close to Him..
Why exterior must define a soul?

However, when exterior in the view of others
implies negativity, no matter how true it is,
something must change in order to be a constant LIGHT for others..

Well, i'm not good enough..
and shall continuously learn to be a good student, daughter, sister, friend and servant
most importantly before my dearest LORD's eyes..

-----

I miss it!
I regret that i miss that opportunity! Arrrghhh, Tuhaaannnn..
Can request for a redo?

How can i let it diminish, Lord,
when it just keeps reappearing constantly over a random period?
And i never fail to be excited by it..
the only that can..

-----

I see abundant unending needs,
yet unorganized unmotivated uninspired soldiers..

When there is no Army general, let colonel lead..
When no Colonel, let Chief Captain lead..
When no Chief Captain, let Sergeant lead..
When no Sergeant and no one else in ranks..
i don't agree if God cannot raise any ordinary person
who are willing, to lead His people..

Stop moving forward when no one in ranks..
Delay addressing needs when no one seems to care..
Complaining on mismatch expectations when no one seems up to standard..
simply disturbingly inappropriate..

if people learn unity despite of all shortages..
seeing what is currently they have, despite of what they don't have..
moving in a same direction..
knowing and trusting actively that God is in control..
how beautiful a life whose continuity never depend on human, but God..

if people can be doer, instead of complainer..
if people can reflect & change, instead of blaming..
if people can grasp a right power of strength, instead of on their own..
if people can believe and let God be God, servant be servant, instead of a change in 'role'..
while people are always disappointing, how fantastic knowing how God care of them so much..

-------

Art and Humanism are randomly burning within me..
While my heart is still intimately entangled with Him..
Wondering what i shall pursue at the moment?

------

Well, I randomly realize and analyze that
I'm easily falling into admiration to guys
with that specific profession in Singapore
of course ones with charisma.. :)

----

i'm done with my random chat..

haisss... hate way i wrote..
my artistry in writing is seriously deteriorating..
and i dislike it!

-dyn-

Lately..

2010-12-29T00:37:00.003+07:00

Lately..

Lord, perhaps too brought up on that matter lately + prematurely..
i'm prone to maneuver from Your path..
also, either flashing back to the past or speeding up to the future..

"Never nourish an experience
which has not God as its Source and faith in God as its result."
-Oswald Chambers-

Let them do all talking, teasing, and proposing..
i'm choosing to stay on my higher calling,
and waiting for Your time to come..

Great to be away soon from this easily contactable country..
i'm going to seek for an tranquility of mind and heart
directed close to You and Your plans..

if You can guide me to a place to stay a while,
where life is simple and humble or in need,
well i'd love to! :)

La.. La.. La..

On Holidays!
Dyna Shonata
Since: 30th Dec 2010
Back: Unknown (before 24th Jan 2010)

Dyna misses art

2010-12-29T00:16:00.006+07:00

DYNA MISSES ART!

a sketch in 2008,
when my mission team's plans were blocked
and we started losing optimism & hope..

Lord, have been a while i didn't draw..
slowly and steadily, i'm losing my perfectionism, meticulousness, and analytical thoughts..
and i seriously don't know if this means good or bad.. You think?
Good for people, bad for my task performance..

U might ask what's the connection?
Well, art sharpens my melancholy and allows an outflow of negative emotions..

As i saw Sepia pencils while tidying up the post-exam & post-Christmas mess in my room,
well i miss drawing.. truthfully Lord..
This unexpected talent You gave is just beautiful.. :)
Thank you!

Wayang! :) Miss & Love Indonesia..

Thank God for Exam.. :)

2010-12-28T16:29:00.006+07:00

Thank God for Exam.. :)

Perhaps, i was about to complain
that my exam ended on 23rd,
so close to Christmas!

Yet, now i thank God..
Dat's why i am here, "stuck" happily in Singapore
serving others and showered by His abundant joy and blessings
this Christmas.. Praise the Lord for His plan! :D

Exam Strength from Above..

My drive to exam was so different when i was in TP..
MORE in NTU? No, but seriously less..
However, as a child of God
i commit nothing less, present nothing less, persevere nothing less
my all, including my studies, to my Lord.. for sure..

Well, yea, You are my true drive after all, Lord..
Isn't it cool, Lord? :)
*Shinggg..* (sound effect when flashing ur teeth while smiling)

Statistics (13/12), yes i was fear of you..
i've never been that bLanK in a subject that way..
understand nothing from the lecturers and tutor..
intimidated & threatened by failure in that subject..

Slowly, yet steady, God enlightened me in my understanding..
Before my exam, He strengthened me
"Men ought always to pray, and not to faint." - Luke 18:1-

Thank God.. I understand the paper! :)
Amazing! Fear of God, not Statistics..

Economics (14/12), you complicate my brain, friend..
They squeeze Macro & Micro econs together..
A lecture contains 3-4 chapters..
With many mixed up diagrams with different namings for axis..
After finishing the bulk, i knew nothing about what i know..
Fantastic!

God said through His Word,
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: ..
Let not your heart be troubled." - John 14:27
How comforting, consoling, and confirming..!!!
Not because a promise of good marks, nor a promise of smart brain, I moved on..
But His promise of peace in which my heart is dwelling calmly..

As the days of exam went on, again my Lord spoke:
"Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of God" - 2 Timothy 2:15 -
Yes, i shall study with my best for His glory.. :)

Thank God..
I'm back relying to Your Words and Promises.. :)

No Reserve for Self

This December, God seriously taught me the real meaning of this phrase..
A lesson from Mary, Jesus' Mom..

How to give your self, well including time, effort, care, love, service, etc
even though they conflict with my self-interest..
Also during exam period when self-space was needed the most..

God taught me patience and joy in all circumstances..

To God be the glory!

Silver Wand

2010-12-27T00:00:00.004+07:00

Oh God, I'm in love with my silver wand.. :)
Shall persevere in my learning,
so that i can expand my service and present You a new gift
from the bottom of my heart..

Mailing a Christmas Letter..

2010-12-24T23:56:00.004+07:00

Mailing a Christmas Letter..
25 December 2010

dear Jesus,

if i can choose what to do for this Christmas Eve,
i wish to have a quiet night only between You and me..
a time of reflection and thanksgiving..

i don't seek for a fantastic party, an enjoyable gathering, a unending laughter,
great feast of food, an impactful service, nor a powerful sermon..
the only yearning of my heart is You..
dearly, truthfully..

Lord, You know how much i love You..
i'm sure You do (You are God anyway)..
even thousands sayings of "i love YOU" aren't sufficient
to express this love for Thee..

You are the..
greatest treasure of my life to pursue..
greatest light to shine through in this ever darkest heart..
greatest gift beyond limited comprehension of mine..
greatest love that warms this broken and hardened soul..
greatest meaning for my life to remain in this world..

Thank You Lord, for everything..
I'm just an empty and sorrowful soul without You..

Thank You Father, for allowing a crush in Your heart
giving Your Only Son to die for unworthy me and this world..
Thank You Jesus, for humbling Yourself greatly
so we can know You and can be saved by You..
Thank You Holy Spirit, for guidance and wisdom
leading me in this world where wrong always seems right..

if a most fantastic poem, i can present..
if a greatest voice sung, i can present..
if a most beautiful painting, i can present..
i will.. i am giving all to please Thee..
yet those might seem not enough..

How about my whole life?
my ambitions? my dreams? my plans? my love? my future?
all, dear Lord.. take all You wish to please Your heart..
Let all from You be Yours..
Crush all the self-desires.. Cast those away..
Light the darkest part of mine, Lord..
Mold me and make it shine Your light..

i'm just a poor servant,
who want to love Thee deeply for the rest of Your servant's life..
doing Thy works pleasing Thy heart
and ending my life completing Thy will..

my utmost for Your highest..

with deepest love,
dyna

P.S: thank God, by Your kind grace, i'm still fully in love with You.. Yes, YOU!

annoyance in the midst of study..

2010-12-20T13:03:00.003+07:00

oh Lord,

this built-up annoyance keeps resounding in my ear and brain..
it provokes my feeling and concentration
leading to a stir in my emotions..

help, help..
escape me from this spiral of ever-capturing emotions..
has been a long time i don't reunite with this particular disturbance..
nor i want to stay close to it..

examine me back, please..
no unresolved past, isn't it?
if there is, please grab that to the root and burn it away..
but i'm fully conscious that i have none..

it's the fault of my melancholic brain
which connects all sorts of unpleasant happenings
in addition to external slight annoyance
that trigger my whole eventually..

satan, stop your assertiveness
in disturbing my thoughts to wander from studying..
i'm confident, no past has entangled me at all..
stop digging the non-relevance and trying to bully me..
u shut up, and go away..

may Lord sanctify my thoughts and heart
and guide me back to my study..
i beg..

playful

2010-12-20T02:53:00.005+07:00

Singapore, 20 December 2010

Hey hi, Lord..

I knew i've been so playful lately..
Keep going out, play, out and play..
as if forgetting i'm still having an exam paper to go..
obviously i remember, kok..

well, just to let You know..
i'm trying my best
not to let anyone mock You because of my studies
nor to let You down because of the naughty me..
but i need Your favor and grace, as always.. :)

promise..

P.S: I have received Your Christmas GIFT! will keep the GIFT safe for the rest of my life..

your playful (+joyfullllll) child,
dyn :)

A "Good" Night note..

2010-12-18T01:08:00.002+07:00

A "Good" Night Note..

What a day.. fun, blessed, & thrilling..

a sudden duet partner last minute..
2 unexpected friends who joined me..
a gathering of old friends from Pekanbaru..
a series of fun, laughter and food for sure..

The Song
oh yea, i sang at night..
strange to tell that i did not "dare" to publicize or tell massively..
(gosh, the song is not within my control)
but these 2 friends "somehow" contacted me first
and when i told them, they wanted to join..

the singing..
yeah, not fantastically good i supposed..
some broken imperfections..
i didn't even dare to listen the whole recording of the song..
but at least, i knew God touches some hearts with His love..
it's not about my voice or song, but Him.. :)
and that's enough, more than enough..

Dilemma
then i faced a dilemma..
a group of old friends + 2 friends from different part of my life + church friends..
(+my sister & her bf, luckily they can get their own fun.. :P)

How to merge?
thank God, as I decided to group my Pekanbaru gang & my 2 friends
having the dinner and spent the night
we had a good team dynamic..
(pardon my language, as i had a Org. Behavior exam this morning)..
they got along well..

as the initiator of merger,
i held the responsibility on members' well being..
thankfully, 3 out of 5 commented that they felt happy & had fun..
a big relief + "sigh" from me, the potential creator of the mess.. :D

At times, have you ever wondered what satisfied you most?
for me, making people happy.. especially those in distress of life..

Good Old Friends
glad to meet up, play, laugh, and eat together with my old friends..
Had been more than 6 months i guess, no such gathering..
additional 2 pax was not a boundary, but added fun.. :)

thank God for raising me up in Pekanbaru
and knowing those friends..
I just love the culture & environment of my upbringing..!
not all friends will remain bonded when they are tested by time..
you won't realize that we are actually so bonded & close to each other
(obviously, same school, same church, similar generation, close houses..)
remember the time when Ivan & I always bullied Julie in our singing at our Design Course.. hahaha.. and we did it again.. :P

Miss the good old times..
and the 2 non-Indonesians were surely so bombarded
by our true stories and love about Pekanbaru,
well real nationalism (ermm.. townism perhaps?)

you can promote us to be Pekanbaru's tourism ambassadors after listening to our stories.. :D
the place is not special, yet we'r loving it!

Thrilling Night
I forgot to bring my access card for hall + room!
Cleverly, i misplaced it around a bunch of clothes, so i missed it..
(u don't have to praise nor clap for me)
Thus i need to rely on my room-mate..

We ended our day late night..
On our super far way home to the West,
my i-phone died! i don't memorize my roommie's number..
worse, i have no "needle" to pluck out my SIM card
though i brought spare handphone..
my response "Good!", Marco said "it's not gd at all!"..

i tested my luck,
from a bunch of hair pins in my bag, i found a needle (oh yes amazingly!)..
though i manage to change to another handphone,
hehe NO HP NUMBER OF MY ROOMIE!
at times i wonder if i'm really "smart"..
but i knew i'm a person who will survive wherever and whatever condition you put me..

at night, slim chance to wait for random people who opened the hall door..
on the taxi, as i was chatting with taxi uncle..
we are talking about "freak" NTU students who still jog at 1.30 am
and it's normality here..

also, gossiping about a guy who stood on bus stop chairs alone and studying at 1.30am..!
i told the uncle, "you know, i saw that guy studied at the railings at my hall.. weird.. i can notice him because his hair is so prominent (highlighted with unnatural blond"..
we had a good laugh, and ended the journey..

as i walked to my hall, *ting!*
i wore my thick skin and approached that blond hair guy..
who turned out to be my "hero" for the night.. HOHOHO..
"Sorry to disturb you, are you from hall 15?"
Oh yeah, he is (obviously lah, i saw him sitting on the hall's railing)..
and he's willing to open the door for me..

HURRAY!
not the end of the stories,
my room door is locked!
i then disturb my room-mate's rest..
dat's bad cos she's having exam in the morning..

dyna, dyna.. ckckck..

Forever Christmas

2010-12-16T15:54:00.003+07:00

Forever Christmas

It’s almost here. I know that you can hardly wait.
It’s almost here. The day that we anticipate.
It’s almost here. Have you started preparing
The Christmas tree and your family
For the best time of the year?

It’s almost here. Do you know why you celebrate?
It’s almost here. Is it just another holiday?
It’s almost here. Are you ready for Christmas?
Every Christmas has an end,
Not when Jesus comes again.

There will be no mistletoe, no shining stars,
No Christmas lights, no Santa Claus.
No presents underneath the tree
When the greatest Gift is given to me.
When all the world shall hear the sound
of angels singing all around
When all the saints receive their crowns, it will be, forever Christmas.

It’s almost here. The day that I’ve been longing for.
It’s almost here. And soon time will be no more.
It’s almost here. I’m anxiously waiting
For the day when joy will have no end
And Jesus comes again.

He’s coming soon and I can’t tell you when,
But He came so He could come again,
So He could come again.

If your Christmas with no Christmas tree
No beautiful lights
No Christmas party & celebration..
Does Christmas remain in your heart?

Thank God for true Christmas
Have a saved & merry Christmas, everyone!

Mid-December ( + Mid-Exam) Greetings! :)

2010-12-16T02:48:00.004+07:00

Mid-December ( + Mid-Exam) Greetings! :)

Oh Lord, i never can stop saying that
i love the tranquility at night (ermm, at a very morning to be precised)..

i thought i had enough of stretching my own-perceived-limited-range voice..
oh well, i'm wrong..
last year traumatic experience is not enough, oh this year as well..

but, well what matter most is as long as YOU are happy..
i have no right to say no to my Master..
to the Owner and Savior of my life..
I'm returning what You have trusted to You and to bless others,
though it requires extra effort to escape from my comfortable range of songs
though i might fail to hit the high notes..

If you wonder how "high" it is to me,
Well, i expected singing the reff at "C", but i need to sing reaching "B"..
Mann, almost an octave higher than expected.. Cool?

better, Ivan's name popped up in my head while studyin' Econs..
we were duet partners, well 6 years ago? :P
Glad to have his voice to complement the broken mine..

"They would have to sing better songs for me
to learn to have faith in their Redeemer;
and his disciples would have to look more redeemed!"
- Friedrich Nietzsche-

Well, shall sing better for this song for my dearest Redeemer and looked more redeemed!
Hope if "Nietzsche"s of this age pass by...
they will repent and have faith in You.. :)

-------------

As i looked to this calendar hung on my desk..
it reminds me on a verse..

"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."
-Psalm 90:12-

Sam Tsui & Kurt

2010-12-15T01:34:00.002+07:00

Oh I'm Lovin' it!

I'm no longer follow songs in the music industry nor any singers (except Josh Groban sometimes)..
Haha, has passed that boyband-craze or singer-craze era perhaps.. :P

Well, but don't ask me to describe Josh's voice, or you will faint listening to my admiration..

Anyway, i like to follow the covers by Sam Tsui & Kurt Hugo..
They'r great seriously.. Highly creative!

A song to lighten my thick reading from OB textbook.. :D
Whoa, i like Sam's intensity of emotion through his voice, music & song..

mr brain

2010-12-11T03:15:00.003+07:00

A Complain about Mr Brain

dear Lord, the Creator..

i would like to complain about mr. brain of mine..
though he has been so faithful accompanied me since i born..
helping me to survive in academic institution for 19 years..
enabling me to excel countering new challenges..

however, it likes to be so secretive to me..
i've studied all days and weeks,
it always act as if he doesn't know anything..
even when i do past year exam papers,
whoa his refusal to reveal what he knows is very frustrating..
everything seems new to me and i just cant process good sensible answer..

feel that all knowledge i infused in, given the time & discipline
was to no avail..
he is always so reluctant to reveal what he knows..
he only cooperates during exam or urgent time..
yeah, good, but before that
he left me frustrated as like pouring water to a broken tank..

as a result, i have little confidence to move on to the next task..

oh, mr. brain..
tell me what you know,
so i don't waste time pushing you with things that you don't need..
haven't i been so kind to you providing constant sugar so you can stimulate urself well?
this is a "risk" taken, you know, remembering the danger of diabetes..
c'mon please be nice and help me in this exam..

please, don't age nor depreciate!
i still need you intensely for at least the next 4 years..

dear Lord, rebuke him please..

a complaining student who feels she's studying nothing,
-dyn-

A Friendly Honest Chat..

2010-12-07T23:23:00.003+07:00

A Friendly Honest Chat..

Oh Lord,
it's not that nice to be a choleric melancholic,
so many ego, pride, emotions and humility to deal with..
especially when you granted with so many "resources"..
it makes me so prone to sin..
guard me, guard me..

gosh, i'm so evil, i'm bad..

now i thank God for giving so many channels of expression
for this potentially exploded being..
be it art, sing, music, sports, or literature..
You grants me these "toys" to calm me down..
thank You..

it has been a long while
i don't confront, don't argue, don't trick..
don't explode..
truthfully, Your Holy Spirit is TOO STRONG
compressing my anger, as if now i'm losing ability to explode..
'cos i know my expression always leads to a fatal brokenness
and very hard to amend..

You are my sole hiding place..
Lord, let You be my portion.. and only my portion..
Not anger, nor wicked ways, nor self-dependence..
Help me to gain a heart of wisdom..

Let i surrender all my improper perceptions
and believe that God knows how to react on each of it..
And the God is righteousness and justice as always be..

A radio said:
Twist your tongue before you talk in anger..
To slow down your words, and think..
Beware you are a teacher for people around you..
A portrait for others to follow..
Does the word inspire people?
Essential? Important?

--------------------

i'm bored of being solely a student..
if a man is a search meaning being, perhaps i'm the most..

let's define "being a student"..
not merely about degree, medals, nor path to get a successful career..
it's about a part in a life to be lived with significance..
A life, a time which is always once in the lifetime..
Once it passes, so it is gone!
I shall be wise in counting the time He has trusted..

I'm so discontented on being a student only..
can i have an added value?

i'm eyeing for a new opportunity..
i'm gonna talk to my Dad..
God, please bless this plan and path..

Maybe it's time to expand my horizon
stretch myself beyond conventionality
within Your permission..

Great is Thy Faithfulness
Lord unto me..

my old image..

2010-12-07T20:16:00.003+07:00

my old image..

how i wish i never see that again in me..

a brain of getting all she wanted..
a mind to get all submissive within her control..
an eyes with sadistic look and motives..
a pair of hands which creatively revenge for her annoyance..
an emotion that was easily and sensitively provoked..
a heart of crafting bad plans for others..
a pair of legs which left place that didn't up to her desire..

and i see them coming in..
rescue, Lord.. rescue me..

they are built-in within my temperament..
save, Lord.. save me..

destroy and crave me all over again..
sanctify, Lord.. sanctify me..

get me to an union with You, only..
help me to abandon things about self..
and tell me what to do..

-a bad fallen creature-

A Woman with No Reserve for Self..

2010-12-04T22:31:00.004+07:00

A Woman with No Reserve for Self..

Pardon me, but I'm not in the studying mode/mood..
"Mary" has got me thinking..

I didn't know that I'm involved in Christmas drama this year..
Yes, a drastic little role in drama now compared to last year..
But, it's "Mary" again..

A humble joyful woman,
who is chosen by the Lord
granted a "special privilege" from Above
that all the nations now shall call her blessed..

A brave faithful woman,
who despite of the risky consequences
of being left by her dear fiance,
of being stoned due to accuses of adultery,
and of being so uncertain in facing her new broken future..
Because of this "special privilege"..

Yet, stand up bravely for God's cause..
Putting her faith and trust merely in Him..
What a real servant, who has no reserve for self!!!
In Christmas history, Mary probably doesn't shine much..
Such a boring yearly-repeated Christmas character..
but as for me her pure characters and perfect submission to God
really shine..

How can I be like this blessed woman?
Even, act as her (again), I feel still unworthy..

A reflection from last year that I might start reflecting again:
http://faith-hope-love-trifozza.blogspot.com/2009/12/christmas-service-reflection-gift-from.html

Can't Smile Without You..

2010-12-02T23:51:00.002+07:00

Can't Smile Without You..

The reason that I smile despite of fluctuating circumstances..
YOU, My dear Lord..!

Maybe it's unconventional way,
but i just feel like singing this love song to You..

"Nerdy"?

2010-12-02T06:06:00.004+07:00

"Nerdy"?
Good morning! It's 7:07am..
Having an excess time, after practicing my beloved Stats..
Oh, I have had a "longer" sleep, btw..

Throughout these days of intense discipline,
I found that I'm just too playful for all these..
Too rebellious to be contented within this boundary of "mugging"..

After approx. 5 days of "mugging",
gosh i really feel like vomiting.. (hoeeekkssss..)
A really not typical word of a good student
or what you expect from an x- high achiever student..

Man, being a "nerd" is really just NOT me..

My heart, brain, and hands are too itchy to come back to my "first profession"..
Maybe I am just never meant to be fully for all these..

Well, i have a high need to go out and play again!
Let me have a gd Sabbath then..
(can I request that it shall start earlier?.. :P)

P.S: God, bless my Stats quiz today..
I'm trying hard to fall in love with it.. Hope it works..
by the mercy of Yours.. :D

2010-11-30T02:51:00.002+07:00

it's 3:51am.. i'm still fully awake..
don't feel like falling asleep nor studying..

i thank God, I'm healthy again at this moment..:)

I had a bad flu, and ..
maybe I was insane as if assuming myself like a robot..
i have no medicine at all on my room shelves!

i'm getting inhuman.. :P

alrite, back to study..

dyna's body system

2010-11-29T12:11:00.002+07:00

Dear staff in Dyna's body..

An information disseminated from the management..

Pardon me, for an extra pressure being put on all of you..
Please bear with it..
We are expecting challenges and "recession"..
Not forgetting external factors which result in needs to be addressed..

Pardon me, for manipulating your rest..
As the productivity rather than normality
has become an ultimate important,
given a limited and pressurizing time..
Stay productive and cooperative!

Pardon me, for manipulating the inputs..
Especially when immune system is down,
we gotta fight back..
I need to pump in a little excessive amount of vitamins..
Please, well absorb it to repair the system..
Stay healthy and strong!

Last but not least.. Let's endure together!

I promise to provide you welfare benefits,
as the time allows..
And during holidays, the end of year bonuses
are even better!

God bless all of you..

Regards,
the owner

Conversation with God before exam

2010-11-27T21:03:00.004+07:00

Oh, dear..

I fall to a state in which
I don't know what to ask any longer..
I don't know how to set and hit an expectation..
I even don't know how to beg You more for this..

Too restless asking for things
that I myself don't know how to be eager about it..

All I know is asking You
what I have to do now
and please bless what I am doing..

I saw challenges ahead,
yet my paths are often "hindered"
by many unforeseeable happenings
that require high urgency
worse, and my whole commitment at that point of time..
Oh yes bulky point of time indeed..

Call me distracted,
but i just wonder if it's a part of Your plan?
Things are coming in as if unendingly..

I know no more arguments of "fair" and "unfair"
between You and me..
Since You have sacrificed Yourself for me
in the most unfairly manner ever..

Yet, seeing my fellow peers
who have more ownership of abundant time
getting less distracted & committed life..
At times, tempted me to ask if this is fair..

I know no more existence of "calculative" habit
between You and me..
Since You have never been that way to me,
blessing me with so much til now..

Yet, given the same amount of time with everyone
my diminishing rate of time is so high
taking to account of this and that..
It gets confusing to differentiate between
"highly important" and "important"
"compromisable" and "uncompromisable"
especially when comes to external spiritual commitments..

All I ask..
Nothing more but You..
Showers me with joy, strength, and endurance
to faithfully pass my day..
Oh yes, day by day..
Let me grow in Your love..
Leading towards a vision and hope from Above..

These world's expectations
seriously gain little importance to my life..
Please store what is needed,
trash what is not..
'Cos if i lose 'em totally, maybe i've been out of this race..

Please grant me a softer heart,
as i'm often bombarded by things and people
who/which push many things to me..
As if I have nothing better to do,
but to take care of their throwaways of stuff..

Let my emotions and heart stay pure,
not letting me to sin against You..
Tell You, it's hard!

Your little distracted child,
dyna

Drawink

2010-11-23T11:17:00.004+07:00

Dra-Wink!

i'm not that free to draw..
we are asked to draw during the AIESEC meeting..
so, here it is..

i'm exploring the art of "tabrak2 warna"..
erm, i mean mixed up the colours..
i'm too conventional in my art style..

Anyway, Crayon, has been a long while
i don't play with you..

Moments of inspiration

2010-11-22T21:03:00.003+07:00

Moments of Inspiration

Some messages to inspire & strengthen me for a week of self-discipline towards exam..

"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men & women. Do not pray for tasks equal to your power. Pray for powers equal to your tasks."
- Phillip Brooks -
a sms from Ita

"His blueprint is in His heart, there is no error in His time"
an extract from a Chinese song heard during Int'l Night at SBC

"Lakukan apa yang harus kamu lakukan. Keraslah pada dirimu supaya menyenangkan hati Tuhan. (dalam konteks sebagai seorang hamba)"
"Do what you must do. Be hard on your self so that to please the Lord's heart." (in the context of being His servant)
- Pdt. Bigman Sirait -
from retreat aktivis IEC Singapore at Ledang

"Bersandar, Berharap, Berserah" "Lean, Hope, Surrender"
- Rev. Gideon Ang -
from his sermon

"If you are rightly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the sublime height where no one ever thinks of noticing you, all that is noticed is

that the power of God comes through you all the time."

- Oswald Chambers, my favorite! :P -
from his book "My Utmost for His Highest"

May God grant me sufficient grace, strength, and power for the week..
(i believe You surely do, Lord.. :P)

Painting the Colours in My Fragmented Thoughts..

2010-11-18T01:15:00.004+07:00

Painting the Colours in My Fragmented Thoughts..

Hey ho!
If you are wondering why I love to use "Hey ho!",
I'm adopting it from Snow White's dwarfs.. :P

Dyna Shonata is reporting at 18/11/10 on how she sees life..

If I'm asked, what I'm trying to be/do now?
I would answer perhaps weirdly,
"I'm trying to be a good student."

I can't deny that yes, I feel that
being a student at NTU is my second profession..
As in for now..
And yes, I have little joy & passion in studying,
But then, I hv no power to create those
that I should have ideally..
BUT, i have a choice in what I do now.. :) (like blogging?)

A friend asked me "What is your greatest passion now?"
Mission! Humanitarian works!
I realize that having a passion sustained for years is indeed
a grace..
That friend of mine went through a doubtful stage
on his (perhaps) call..

Since last year, I learned and repented
to stop
shutting my ears, my eyes, and heart
while I was asking God to reveal His will..
Seriously, a stupid act, isn't it?
(always easy to say yes, than say no in doing it!)

Let me tell you who i admire at this very night + this point of time!
HUDSON TAYLOR!
Gosh.. He committed himself to be a missionary when he was 15!
At 16, he wrote a letter with a really deep expression on God's love!
At 20, he went from UK to China with 6-months long traveling time!
Going through a heart-break for losing his fiance for the sake of mission..
It's not the achievement!
But see how determination in fulfilling God's commandment
at all cost
regardless of age!

What a man of God! Truthfully, i often feel inadequate because of my "culun" look.. (culun means inexperience + young + look foolish.. erm.. hard to translate :P) Like why on earth people shall believe in what i'm doing.. Especially when i'm confronted with more senior people.. Well, Hudson Taylor's impacts really tell something..

Secondly, PAK SAMUEL!
Hehe, a member of our Mission Team to Sukop from Bandung..
He went to Merapi! (i want.. i want.. i want..!)
His calm way of doing things,
yet carry them out professionally and rightfully..
Plus his real passion in serving the needy..
Really worth-admired..
An entrepreneur, not that young anymore..

But his spirit really can put all of us, youngsters, into shame.. More things in life to be fight for indeed! :)

At this point of age, I realize ..
I want to explore more!!!
Be a mascot (Madagaskar mascot?), do some fun jobs,
and many MORE!

Okay2, let's be realistic..
I know that I'm so dreamy, want this and that..
I acknowledge that the time and opportunities are limited..

When this age passed, maybe there's no chance to turn back
and do all this crazier stuff..

Ok tell you what, it's 2:56am right now.. I have to .. hehe, do my school task.. Oops! Signing off from Dyna's bl0gging world of random news.. Good night, everyone!

Painting the Colours of Her Fragmented Thoughts..

2010-11-18T00:31:00.004+07:00

Recapturing His Wonders..

Recapturing God's beauty and wonders
is the MOST beautiful thing in life..
The magnificence of His love has enchanted my heart..
The majesty of the Highest has overwhelmed my soul..
The grandeur of His mighty power has trembled my whole..

"and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"
A deep longing to be with Him and enjoy Him forever..

Has a been a while I'm truly missing something called
"intimate worship to Him"..

The feeling of inexpressible wonder, awe, fear, gratitude, and joy
dedicated solely to the Most High
through the beautiful heart-pouring praises & worship
that seem never been enough to express His awesome glory..
Care of none, but it's between oneself and Thee..

I miss my intimate expressive fellowship with my Lord..

Listening to beautiful verses on His promises,
those living words directly piercing to depth of my heart..
so deeply..

My tears flowed silently without my ability to restrain them,
as I acknowledge how gracious my Precious Lord
has guided me through ups and downs in my life
has lifted me up with His true promises
has craved the stubborn unworthy me til now..

Even if my surrounding adults would laughed at me
like a little silent crybaby,
I would not care..
B'cos they might miss what I just rediscovered..
An AWE..

You might not understand what I encountered
until you are that in love..

Beauty of Life

2010-11-12T09:19:00.002+07:00

Another Beauty of Life..

I learn that we often neglect to thank God
for people around us..
It's normal to thank God for our family,
well, boy/girlfriend..
Because we have a constant touch with them..

Friends or other random ppl are often
being treated as "passers-by"..
Today I learn to give thank to God
for putting those ppl, more than "passer-by" in my life..

When I talked to my close friend,
about a friend of mine who was not that close to me
yet offered help and took so much trouble because of the offer..
She said, "Seems that you always have nice friends".

It strikes me.
YEA! True!

Many people can have friends, but few have true friends!
Many once have boy/girlfriend, stop at that "friend for life"
and treat the normal friends as "secondary in importance"..
I realize that is a mistake..
Both, well ALL are important and precious.. :)

I thank God for having many sub-groups of really good friends..
Friends to relate on my spiritual matters..
Friends to solve technical matters due to my lack of experience..
Friends to laugh and be as super honest as you can be..
Friends to eat, eat and? eat!
Esp. my favorite sweet stuff without keep bothering about being fat & the price..

Even I see the beauty in friends/ppl that aren't close to me..
I met 2 German friends and they are indeed nice people..
I enjoy befriended and hanged out w/ 'em..
That responsibility has become a genuine willingness to help.. :)

The agent that helped me so much
(we never met at all!)
to find an accommodation for my German friend..
After we have found a place,
he called me and had a casual nice chat
(very surprisingly friendly!)..
Asking do my friend like the place,
though it's not the place from him!

Thank God that in this world,
there are still people with genuine acts,
not simply focus on money..

Thank God for allowing me
to see another beauty of life
through thanksgiving on
people and things that You put around me.. :)

choice

2010-11-09T09:47:00.003+07:00

i realize..

even if i'm offered various appealing choices,
with better attributes to complement..

i still find myself
falling to that one that has remained for years..

just a wishful thinking or a worthwhile truth to be sustained?

deteriorating school performance

2010-11-03T17:32:00.002+07:00

dear God,

let's have a lil chat..
though today is kind of packed
and tomorrow gonna be another heart-attack,
i guess i need this chat..

i'm not performing well..
average, to be precise..
You know it..
i've done my best, i shoud say..
but one thing is lacking, "passion"..

i seriously still dunno why u place me here..
or if i'm at the right place..
but, "trapped" in this ermm.. path of life (misery?)
really i found no way out, but to follow til end..
this tuition grant, scholarship, blocked alternatives for now
really close my way..
unless a fantastic miracle happen and "save" me
out of here..

or maybe i'm just getting old..
my capability decrease and
You surely know, my brain gets lazier or deteriorates..

Oh yes, i can come out with tons of excuses..
but i lost my passion & joy in my study!
i do for the sake of doing..
i enjoy and excel in other aspects now than studying..

i truly feel this student thingie is my "secondary profession"..
the way i treat it and behave over it, reflect that way..
but You know, i don't abandon it..
i did my part as best as i could (but still without passion)..

losing this passion is really severe..
my total focus & amount of resource allocated
are not entirely in my study..
am i just here for the sake of out with a degree?
oh yes, fantastic double degree?
or maintaining my scholarship til end?

If yes, let me know..
at least i don't get so pressurized of not doing well..
cos i just feel guilty in presenting
what You have trusted before You..
If yes,
i'll channel my rest to other aspects You want me too..

Hard, Lord..
Knowing my ultimate aim, have nothing to do with what i'm doing now..
cos i clearly have known it!
i see no correlation.. i see no link..
i see this as another trap of life..
and worst, i see people overestimate me and
put their hope & expectation so much in me..
But i'm not living my life for those people!

help, Lord..
Just tell me if i'm at the right place You want me too..
Tell me what to do..
Tell me if I'm alright with what I am now..

tomorrow is another knock..
help..

your deteriorating child,
dyn

Heart for Mentawai

2010-10-29T23:47:00.003+07:00

Dear Lord,

If You grant me special grace, I wish to go to Mentawai..
You know that my heart has flown there earlier than my body..
My heart is aching seeing those victims left with hopelessness..
They need Your mercy..

If You grant me an open door, I wish to spend my Christmas / New Year at Mentawai..
These special days are more special for me by being with those needy..
My all is willing to be used to be a little channel of Yours..
They need Your love..

If you grant me a burden, I wish to patiently pray and wait for this longing..
When Your time comes, I will begin to go and never stop going..
My soul is prepared, whenever You call 'cos I believe You will take care of my rest..
They need Your grace..

P.S: I understand that last year, I was pleading the same way when earthquake in Padang occurred. This year, I propose my little wish again to You, Father.

Your will in Your beautiful time be done..
I love Thee and Thy people..

With my little humble wishes,
Dyna Shonata

Preparation of MT: My Provider Provides.. - Part 1

2010-10-19T18:53:00.003+07:00

Preparation of MT: My Provider Provides.. - Part 1

Organizing a Mission Trip..
It never comes to my mind how difficult it was
compared to any other events I did, ever!
You can no more rely on ur expertise, but Lord Himself..

At times I was tempted to break down & burst
in the midst of concentrated lonely burden
as if it's only me who was responsible..
as if it's only me who was free to do the job & pain..
as if it's only me who had to serve others..
And wondering if anyone cares?
But my Lord cares!

I was taught not to fall to "self-pity",
which is against Thy will..
I shall press on and persevere
as Oswald Chambers said "begin to go and never stop going...!"
Call of God to that place is the ultimate thing,
I believe and I shall carry it on..

Even in the preparation process,
I saw God's providence clearly!
He made me feel loved and
as if His only favorite daughter (don't be jealous with this statement! :P)
He listens to my Prayer and genuine heart-to-heart sharing..
He turns things into joy and praise..
He provides Dyna's needs for His Glory.. :)

Having a confidence in my True Provider,
He opens the ways:

1. Money
I was rather pessimist initially how to gain the sum of money as budgeted..
Would the big sum according to my "idealistic programmes" be covered?
Or it's just me who dream of BIG impact,
though it's only the first time we're doing things..

A friend ever told me
"I don't believe in doing small things, we're doing big things".
I am seriously influenced, perhaps..
What an ambitious youngster,
strangely the seniors seriously responded to the plans..
No joke in works for God's mission..

Unexpectedly, He provides!
Especially through the church congregation..
Its a 100+ pax congregation only (majority youngsters),
yet we received constant pretty big flow in 5 weeks..
I have NO answer if the people keep faithfully supporting weekly
or God moved to contribute big sum once..

But, the amount exceeds the budget..
Til we have new allocated budget
to build a permanent toilet for the church.. :)

And still, have an excess.. Amazing!

2. Manpower
From expecting 12 people max,
we have 21 participants in this Mission Trip!

In the beginning,
I was rather disappointed that few are willing to "pay the price"..
As a Christian, we are taught to carry our cross and pay the price..
Life wasn't always giving you things
that follow ur convenient schedule..
At times it requires you to take a leap of faith..

People don't think twice taking a leave for an excursion/party,
yet being so stingy in commitment to serve God and others..
This part of synchronizing Theological knowledge and application
that honestly I can't accept from what I saw..

I never depend my service on man, God knows..
My Source of confidence remains in Him alone..
With or without the bulk of people,
God's mission shall be carried out well..

God is GOOD.. He cares, He provides.. :)
He allowed 3 participants to get an approved leave
from a last minute request
+ a friend who once rejected a service,
but proactively offered to serve back
ALL IN ONE DAY!
He indeed listened to my prayer & sharing
a day before!
You don't know how i feel so loved by God..
And don't be jealous!

In our search of 2 doctors,
God gave me wisdom on what to tell..
So things finally are moving and we got 2 exceptional doctors!
I told you, these 2 doctors rocks! Passionate & funky! :D

I agree with dr. Harsono
As it's 21 of us are chosen,
BIGGER responsibilities God gave us to do in this Mission Trip..
And must be BIGGER impact..

Pastor Ani (Sukop's Pastor) said,
It is the power when more people pray..

What happened in Mission Trip? Wait up!
Coming up next!

3. Prayers
I'm not a God who can tell who faithfully pray for us..
But I do believe,
this Mission Trip never been apart from faithful prayers..

The congregation and some friends were distributed prayer points,
praying for different activities in different timings within 3 days..
My wish was that at any moment of our activity in that 3 days,
someone somewhere can pray and support us in God's mission..

My struggle in balancing my school and Mission Trip
wasn't easy..
People tend to forget that I'm still a student!
As if I'm a full time Mission Trip organizer,
and part time student..

Coordination with Bandung & Jakarta wasn't always smooth,
can be lengthy at times..
But I told you,
God enabled!

I only had little time to study for my quiz on 14th,
and God blessed.. I can do it!
Then go in the evening to start my Mission Trip happily!

And again, I say
I'm so loved by HIM..

"God's work done in God's way will never lack God's supply" ~ Hudson Taylor

The Spark

2010-10-05T00:15:00.003+07:00

The Spark..

Some people really have their significance to me..
No matter how distant, or low frequency the communication is
their sudden presence again seriously cheers up my life..

I realize..
it's not a constant light that I need to support my light,
but a little spark to brighten mine when it grows dim..

To that a person,
thank you for ur impact in stirring my going
and encouragement to move on.. :)

Another..
Still that symptoms keep re-appearing..
When I withdraw or switching my eyes stopping patience,
it comes as if as an interference to sustain
what has been invisibly built..

Went island hopping to Sukop over the weekend...
What a leap of faith in the midst of sch period..
No matter how people thing I'm surviving well,
at times I feel I'm not..
I'm still struggling with a subject.. :(

Yet, Oswald Chambers said:
"When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going"
This is what exactly move me and be my drive.

You will never understand..
A life to search for the needy..
Bringing an impact in..
Letting them know Christ and eventually in love with Him..
is exactly my desire, Dyna's version of perfect life..

As I still go so mobile,
I'm not sure if I'm ready for any restriction..
Cos when it affect my vision, I find no worth to hold on it..

I won't compromise my given vision,
til the will of the Lord & understanding come into place..

Angkat Tangan.

2010-09-18T22:13:00.002+07:00

I think I need a good cry..
A cry of complete surrender & trust
that God is in control..

God, many are out of my limited reach..
I found this difficult, much more
than organizing resort's events..
than settling 6 projects w/ tight deadlines..
than any other things I ever did..

Maybe this what they said
"with a greater power, comes greater responsibility"..
As I hv been faithful with small tasks,
I've been trusted with the bigger ones..
Dyna shall not complain, nor grumbling..
Oh yes.. Dyna, don't be one!

Manpower is lacking & uncertain,
Few are fully committed to the task,
Coordination is so tough,
My plans are broken,
I felt such a bad leader and lacking in wisdom & experience..

"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,
from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD,
which made heaven and earth" - Psalm 12:11-

--- switch Indo channel--

Pak Caleb bilang,
"ketika manusia angkat tangan, Tuhan turun tangan"
indah sekali..

Aku terdorong utk share ke
seorang HT yg punya figur teman & bapak..
Ia berkata, "Hei, bukan apa yg ada yg ada pada kita yg terpenting bukan?"
Ya, benar.. Aku sadar..
Tapi, Siapa yg bersama dg kita..

Aku butuh hikmat pimpinan Tuhan
utk melakukan pekerjaan Allah
membawa jiwa bagi kemuliaan-Nya..

Sebuah lagu indah yg suka kunyanyikan
beberapa bulan terakhir ini..
Lagu lama yg ternyanyikan kembali
ketika kuberada di Jakarta..

"Oh Tuhan pimpinlah langkahku..
Ku 'tak b'rani jalan sendiri..
Serta-Mu itulah doaku..
Ajarkanku merendahkan diri..
Menurut Firman-Mu s'tiap hari..
Jadikan pelita dalam g'lap..
Mencari domba yg sesat,
itulah kerinduan hatiku.."

Bukan kebetulan aku dipercayakan lebih,
itu anugrah..
Harus diterima dgn sukacita..

Detachment

2010-09-13T22:16:00.002+07:00

Detachment.. - written 13/9/10

I felt a detachment..
As if my soul's part of longing is somehow fading..
I lost (kind of) the more dedicated
cheer, interest, being, or sense of important attachment..
I tried to bring it up, but it just failed..
The urge/ power to do so is not there..

You might be surprised what part of longing it is..
It's family..
But don't get me wrong, NOTHING happens..
It's just my soul as if being driven away..
I can't explain why & what happen..
As if I'm led to something..
Another phase of life in which
I shall let go my tight grasp on what I do now..

"Courage & Calling" book by Gordon Smith influences me somehow..
I wish to live independently without support of my family financially..
So my life will not be so always "under" them
and as a grown-up I can make decision for my life..
Having my Calling, it's a good start for my protective parents
to learn how to let me go,
though i am still their daughter.. of course..

I need to triple my focus seriously..
However, my focus is more to the Mission Trip rather than my studies..
To the people in need, not to that repeating dead modules..
I took more pride & joy in doing this MT preparation..

God, don't tell me I'm at a wrong place by being in this sch?
Cos what I take joy in is directly proportional to my Call..
My studies kind of is not..

I found out I dislike repetition..
3 out of 4 modules are previously taught in Poly..
The new module is also a module similar to a Poly module..
I remember how I do less in my 'O' Level than my Prelim (trial test),
cos 'O' level is such a repetition..
However, I can't deny more than triple intensity & challenge in each module from what I did have in Poly..

Oh God, I need some assurance in steps that I take..
Wisdom, please..

A Brand New Phase of Life

2010-09-06T21:10:00.002+07:00

Cherishing A Brand New Phase of Life at NTU..

I stepped into the new place, NTU ..
I can feel prominently
the "superiority" of NBS in this village-looking University..
the "Whoa" stereotype to double degree students of Accountancy & Business..
I start to ponder what kind of substance (or mess?) am I in?
Let me know if u know the answer..

Be careful..
Let not people's expectation & stereotype be your guide/direction,
though they're more like pressure/annoyance indeed..
Let not false pride conquer your being
though it gives invisible comfort to the soul..

Have I ever said I dislike stiff competition
and unnecessary yet visible pressure?
Too bad, the forces are high..
Shall control the forces, not be controlled..

Pondering.. pondering.. and pondering..
What my previous education was for?
A precious stepping stone or
a no-choice path to be completed?

If all modules aren't recognized to progress faster,
what were those for?
What were those useful of?
Are 3-year-long studies having little significance?

I have no intention to degrade my prev. education,
in which has been a BIG help to where/what I am now..
Just reflecting on its implication
to what I'm gonna go thru now..

I shall figure it out myself
how useful and impactful it is to my new phase of life..

Knowledge won't be useful, even when we try to obtain MORE,
but when we are able to imply and use it appropriately..

P.S: Now I understood, why my close friend said I have no accountant's aura, but philosopher's. Look at the writing that I did. Gosh, invaded by complication, but yes I feel it's beautiful, isn't it?

2010-06-21T10:05:00.004+07:00

Journey to the Unknown.. Part 1

Departed from Jakarta on 16th, met my fellow survey-mates @ Batam,
we were heading to Selatpanjang island.
Three of us were a survey team for upcoming Mission Trip (MT).
Trust me, if you were to ask, what's the plan? I can say none of the exact.

Survey date was decided too sudden, though the discussion had started too long ago.
Like a ball being throw here and there,
finally the decision reached my hand to take on the delayed responsibility.

I was excited for the new run that God has shown me,
yet I was afraid.
No exact plan was a fear and anxiety for a choleric like me.
And, three of us are youngsters,
few seniors will want to take our talk seriously.
Moreover, I'm expected to lead and organize my team.

Day 1 - SelatPanjang
We safely reached SelatPanjang at 4pm,
geared up to join Evangelism Explosion (EE) training at 5.30pm
oh yes at the church, meanwhile finding connection for our MT.

I met EE trainers who some were my church-mates @ Pekanbaru.
I was asked to be a sudden trainer, as they were short of hand!
It's a bit heart-shocking to me & Melly,
as obviously we weren't prepared & must recalled all instantly.
And.. we're expected to lead a group of 10 pax (mostly adults).

Well, a youngster like me who suddenly appeared,
wearing knee-length short + t-shirt
looking like damn unconvincing to be a trainer,huh?

Also, thank God for Melly.
As if God adds in the right composition for our team.
She is trainer-trained, while I am an act-trainer.
So we support each other for the teaching.

I was blessed by "teaching" them.
So touched by testimony of an old man
who so moved wanting to spread the Good News
to a man who out of the blue came near him
while he was hoeing the land.
This man introduced us to Head Pastor of X-church,
a church that is actively connected
to small unknown places with abundant needs.

Mrs. M, an EE trainer from the head, approached me.
She recognized me! I was taught EE by her in 2007.
When 3 of us discussed outside the church and was about to get out,
Mrs. M approached us and we talked.
Strangely, 3 of us connected somehow to her!
From our talk, we gained some insight of the present church.

I was discouraged.
The leaders of the church we want to work with
was too passive and lazy to be busy.
Meaning, they don't wish to entertain us.

But it's just a Day-1. Too soon to give up!
No plan for tomorrow, but God's plan surely exists.

Back in Jakarta

2010-06-09T10:12:00.002+07:00

Moments @ Jakarta - written 9 June 2010

I'm writting from Jakarta..
A great time here.. :)
Antique life indeed..

People I met were unexpected..
Food I ate was tremendously many! I'm gaining weight!
Accompany & laughter I enjoyed were fun..

I need more time for quiet time & reflection
badly..

Above all, I greatly feel the ONE
who holds & guides me since I was young
til now..
Please, I hope til the end.. :)

Morning sharing

2010-05-29T00:56:00.002+07:00

A very good morning.. It's 2am now..
Just don't feel like sleeping..

I don't know what is ahead of me..
In the next 3-4 years, greater dose of pressure
is my portion to overcome..

Yes, by my Lord's kind guidance,
I've chosen NTU undertaking Business & Accounting
plus have accepted ASEAN scholarship,
in which i never thought of + even think I'm qualified for..
By God's grace.. Oh yes, by His grace..

Thankfully I sense an ease of mind now after months of struggle
in determining Your heart, Your will for me..
I sense a peace and joy within,
and the journey & battle are yet to come..

Afraid? No, I won't afraid on things that I don't encounter..
Inadequate? Yes, very much.
dyna has never been a study-type,
not even think i am smart or intellectual at all..
But God directs, God strengthens I believe..
God will bring me out of the way that He brings me in..

Well, future..
I began to sense a complicated process i am in..
An equipping process to be someone in His will..
The greater vision overwhelms me..
More than anything...
Nothing else matters for now..
Including my personal interest..

life wasn't rhyme without you

2010-05-26T23:37:00.003+07:00

I tried to diminish the thought from my mind..

To no avail, it appears at random places

reminding me again..

I'm entering to a zone of

denial or ignorance or affirmation..

very soon..

When i look at my life

how the pieces fall into place

just wasn't rhyme

without ...

Mission at Poly Status: Completed!

2010-05-24T20:12:00.004+07:00

Mission at Poly Status: Completed!

Let me share a portion of an e-letter
that I wrote to a lecturer:

"Well, I really treasure my 3 years in LRM because I had a tremendous fun in my studies.
The knowledge imparted has enriched the way I approach and see things in life.
Thanks to all insightful and helpful lecturers that have patiently taught all of us!
It's my pleasure to know each of you. :)

I've been always admiring Singapore's teachers and approaches in education,
which are very different with Indonesia.
I won't say Indonesia's education is bad completely because it has shaped me in different ways.
But in Singapore, the depth and implication of what we're studying + the passion of the teachers helped to stir my hunger of knowledge and to realize the fun of learning.

Before coming to Singapore, I had seriously lost my enthusiasm and found no reason to study.
I did quite well, but studied out of norms, not willingness.
However in Singapore, especially in TP, things really changed.
My enjoyment & curiosity in learning goes above any ambition to be the top or to gain achievements.
Well, I owe LRM so much! So grateful to be at the right place. :) "

As i wrote, i realized a drastic change in me..
How LRM has been used by God in His perfect plan
to rise me up from a circle of death by hating learning..
Though i still can't comprehend why i shall travel to,
travel to the less travelled long route
in comparison with my normal peers..
Worth it? Yes indeed..

I remembered since year 1,
how i wish to bring God glory thru my studies..
Doing my best, without crazy blind ambition of being the top or receiving awards.. Being a living testimony in what i do..

I remembered since year 1,
how i wish to bring fragrance to Indonesia's name..
When i knew the only Indonesian in the course was me..
Carrying a broken name as my identity..
A little insignificant effort to "restore" my beloved country's name
in the eyes of other countries..
Haha! As if a SEA Games, now i get a gold medal for? Indonesia. :)

I remembered since year 1,
how i wish to make my dad proud of me..
The perceived dummiest child of his..
My achievement in Sec School wasn't significant enough to reach his heart..
But the grandeur of the ceremony (thanks to LRMers)
and the unis' offers and the scholarship
has won his heart making this hard man finally proud..

Thank God for all these accomplished wishes.
You are still the best!
Receiving me, though i was nothing..
Brought me out from nothing-ness to something now..
That leading me towards the wholeness one day..
These blessings are beyond my imagination,
but being with You through all these
is the sweetest..:)

My Jesus, I love Thee.. The Glory is Yours..

I Thank God for Friends..

2010-05-20T12:18:00.004+07:00

I Thank God for Friends..

It's 20th today..
I shall make my mind before 1st June..
I'm perfectly alright, just that still clueless..

I lower down the volume of this thought in my heart,
so that i don't be too anxious
as if i'm the controller of my own life..
I surrender with a faith & hope..

Spoiled with good choices..
Yes i do..
Thank God for these, many don't even have a chance to..
But i'm lost on which direction i shall steer towards..

The 3 choices fight so hard in my heart..
If there's a competition obviously seen,
each manage to grab the highest portion of my love
for some period of time..
And being stumbled down as time goes..
How can i decide which my heart leads towards
other than decide on which my Lord leads?

I don't want to find God or no God in the end of the road..
But i want to be with my Lord throughout the journey..
The blessed road that is prepared for me and His glory..

I thank God for EW..
I don't know what made me
ask your advice out of the sudden..
While i was not preoccupied by any worries on this..
Your words, "not all open door is God open."
really stirred my mind and heart to think
and search carefully, examine sharply
each beautiful door ahead of me
if God's will resides in it..

I thank God for TH..
The sudden chat with you
really comforted my soul..
Your constant thought of God's goodness
and obviously seen growing faith in you
are really a delight
that brighten up and strengthen me
to see what's ahead of me
because God is there..
7 years since that life-changing camp,
thank God for making you grow so strongly
and has a fruitful life in where you are..
Among others, your growth in Him is the most admirable..

As i'm still searching Your way,
may God bless each person i talk to..
I hope things/ppl i encounter
can point me to Your loving way..

God bless you everyone..

The Danger of Generalization..

2010-05-17T11:21:00.003+07:00

The Danger of Generalization..

I learn my lesson today..
Generalization leads to misconception..
Misconception leads to ignorance..
Ignorance leads to disappointment..

I might be the rarest creature ever..
Whatever strike so suddenly to my head,
I'll google or search for it in the web..

Example?
I developed symptoms of hypotension.
I walked out the place, deserted myself,
took my i-phone and google all medical depth of hypotension.
Oh well, i'm serious..

U can call me a person with
a high curiousity or keypo-ness..

I just talked about that "charming guy"..
Of course I had his name in full..
And I, hehehe, search his profile in FB..
I got it!

I had generalized him as a person with different belief as me,
and I'm wrong!
As I read his profile, the name of the One I exalted is there!
See! How I "miss" the thing..
Well, Lord, he's so charming..
No wonder I can be so quickly attracted,
he has You..

Ok, I think
no continue for this story anymore..
Really.. Unless I add him..:P
Which I won't do that..

Who knows we met again, as I ran away from Spore..
You never know.. Me too!

I love the way God makes my life sounds like fairytale..
Though I often fail to belief that fairytale exists
due to brokenness that I slowly encounter..
Nonetheless, making my life exciting..:)

update on May

2010-05-16T18:35:00.002+07:00

Quick Random Updates on the Month of May (lazy - unedited)

Dear all,

Has been a while I left my blogging habit..
Had 2 weeks working in an event company,
well I'm done with it..

I miss my habit of writing journal every morning..
Miss my habit of reading books..
Miss my habit of reasonings with matters of life..
As the job has ended, it's time to recover all my precious loss..

Anyway, I met a charming guy..
Very charming..
With the kind of smile, voice, and mannerism
that I always like..
Well, dat's all..
No continue for this story..:)
I'm amazed so quickly with people with charisma..

Dad, Mom & Marc are coming to Singapore on 20th..
Because of my upcoming graduation on 21st..
Oh yes very excited for this!
Complete family reunion will take place again..:)

Very excited to end my month of May..
Decision on Uni shall be made..
I gotta leave Sg, oh yes finally
after long interviews and various anticipations..
I want to travel and go back home..
I miss do all i want and eat all i want
at my home, Pekanbaru..

Anyway, my interest
to study Anthropology & Sociology are still burning..
Wondering what can i do with this burning curiosity, people..?

I'm tired.. Full of sleep debts..
Because of events and my service at church..
Not putting blame, but they'r meaningful..
Just that I'm completely in need of good rest..

I had funny2 dreams recently..
Meeting & interviewing John Piper..
Got some advices from a preacher who was a missionary..
Last nite, watching concert of Glenn Fredly,
a singer that has quit music industry..
I wonder what dream awaits for me tonite..

Good nite! I hv no time to write good & fantastic writing..:)

2010-04-26T21:55:00.002+07:00

Tell me if i'm wrong.
She kills my day with irrationalism & piercing voice.

Perish are my inspirations carried away by the emotions.

Give me a pure heart and mind,

so the sins may not come in..

Detach me away from entanglement of the world

that may blur my focus on You..

Pardon me & help me..

Your devilish weak child

that fights the inner battle of her nature so difficult

to be like her righteous Master..

"Your yoke is light for me"

Nice to Meet You anyway

2010-04-24T21:36:00.002+07:00

Nice to Meet you Anyway..

I love to use songs to express words
beyond my natural capacity
to describe what i feel personally..

Well, a song that I kept hearing in 'd workplace..

Whatever it turns to be, "Nice to meet you anyway!" :)

Cute Morning, Beautiful Day

2010-04-20T22:13:00.002+07:00

Cute Morning.. written 20 April 2010

My head is still full of things about China & its culture heritage. As I ate breakfast with my aunt, we talked about our family and our Chinese backgrounds from China to Indonesia. FUN! I knew more things about my grandpa, which honestly i only heard parts and pieces. Also, how Chinese started to disperse in various countries with different ethnicity, plus influences that shape their current cultures. Oh yes, that's a great and insightful talk! Tracking the roots! It's fun and necessary.

On the bus from Orchard to Holland V, I sat next to a westener (Indonesian said "Bu Le", Singaporean said "Ang mo"). I was so indulged with my newly read book, "Let the Nation be Glad" by John Piper. Well, the contents had captivated myself so much! Shall share later. Then,

Mr Bu Le: "Nice book u'r reading there!"

Dyna: "You read this book as well?"

BL: "Yes, long time ago. That's a really good book. I just listened to John Piper" (while keeping his MP3.)

D: "Oh ya?!" (of course so surprised, both of us learned from the same person at the same time, while sat next to each other. Just found it cute and funny happening!) "You like to read books?"

BL: "Yes, I read most of John Piper's books"
D: "Wow, maybe you can recommend me any of his books?"
BL: "Hmm, let me think.. 'The Pleasures of God'"
D: Oh! I'm reading that as well! But i'm stuck for a moment currently and switch to this book.

Then he said that he's from St. Georgia Church, not so clear what he said he was working as. Looks like a full-time minister, but he tucked out his shirt (so what? haha.. as if only Dyna can be more gangster alike). Before he left, we waved as if has known each other for so long. Well, status of brothers & sisters in Christ really gives unity among His people, His children.

I'm done with the comical story of the day. It's just cute! :)

Broken "Cinderella" Story

2010-04-19T23:06:00.005+07:00

Broken "Cinderella" Story.. written 19 Apr 2010

For those who ever heard my "Cinderella" story
i know all seem so sweet, strange & smooth..
Like beautiful fairytale..
You guys, often much more excited than myself,
i presume..
Everyone is like expecting to fast forward
to the glimpes of "happily ever after"..

Oops.. Wait, wait..

This story went to a broken stage..
Maybe some ppl perceive differently
between "normal" and "special"..
Maybe visibility is often perceived to come
from what is seen..
Maybe we are the wanderers
who need to get lost to treasure the true one..
Let the maybes go on if you want..
But i'm not interested..

No hard or hurt feeling on me..
Thank God for no sentimental engagement involved..

Personally i thank God! :)
Thousands of "whys" might shower you..

My eyes are focused on Him alone..
I learn to trust Him all..
I don't have to worry..
Think and plan how to "beautify" this story..
Using human brain to "connect" longer and closer..
Put in uncertainty as my "added" pressure for my future..
I learnt that I DON'T NEED TO!

Let all humans say it can't happen..
Let all humans say you must do/be this and that..
Let all humans say all methods they got from tv dramas..
I learnt not to care on this..
Why must we joint-venture with or interfere
God's design & plan?
No one can define other's personal way of life..

If it's God's will, He can beautify the stories beyond..
If it's God's will, He can find how to connect us..
If it's God's will, He can turn uncertainty to certainty..
Meanwhile, I move on to my call..

I'll speed up and see no one..
Persevere in this race to accomplish what is before me..
If he grants a company, on the way thank Him..
If not, race is going, I'm still running..
My call is greater than being a "Cinderella".. :D

Thank God for revamping my focus..

P.S: I said this "Cinderella" story is broken, not ended.. :) Ppl, don't assume..

No, this song not to me..

Called for Ministry

2010-04-17T22:12:00.003+07:00

Called for Ministry - written 17 Apr 2010

I'm half-alive now, but allow me to write my thoughts
or else it may be forgotten..

I realize
i'm called for ministry..

Not ministry of making money..
Not ministry of boosting purposeless creativity & innovation..
Not ministry of awesome techniques, theories and methods..
Not ministry of showcasing multi-talented dimensions..

Not ministry of leading sentimental songs..
Not ministry of arranging great music..
Not ministry of making fun activities..
Not ministry of singing fantastic voice..
Not ministry of stirring people's emotions..
Not ministry of creating self-made "heavenly" atmosphere..

Not ministry of arguing intellectualism..
Not ministry of winning prizes nor praises..
Not ministry of spreading fame..
Not ministry of boasting strengths and capabilities..

Not ministry of being good public speaker..
Not ministry of motivating people with self-wisdom..
Not ministry of leading and empowering people to my ambitions..

I'm so vulnerable towards that "ministry"
which i'm not supposed to be..
Remind me when i get deceived, please..

But, I'm called for a ministry of being a servant of God..
Becoming little of His tools
to reach, touch, comfort, teach, rebuke His people..

Encouragements for my service today
reflect this is what He wants me to do..
A solid reason of why He doesn't let me go to Jakarta..
"be still, listen to My Will, & serve Your Master heartfully"

Oh yes, my heart is joyful..
The glory is His..
My portion is a joy of
His good pat on my back
and His blessings that rest upon others
bringing others closer to Thee..
As for me, Your grace is forever enough..

I don't know what you feel in serving your Master..
As for me,
When i boast fantastic ideas and self-centred purposes
i failed miserably..
When i give a total surrender of preparation and self
i am used by His abundant grace..

Often things went much better (unknowingly)
than what has been prepared..
Things spoken are "out of script"..
Even things that i don't expect myself
to be able to speak..

The journey of preparation is beautiful..
Inspired by my Lord..
Let it be on the bus, MRT, toilet, room, etc
Doesn't matter..
What matter most I'm connected with Him
can be EVERYWHERE and ANYTIME..
Ready for His inspiration to shower me..

With sweetest awe,
Your Daughter

"Committed to Jesus is a transaction of will"

- from lesson by O. Chambers, my guru

P.S. to No one: I think i might start going towards the mystics or haphazard like Chambers or Mother Teresa.. It's ok, count that i say nothing.. Noone can tell me what i'm heading towards in my spiritual life, neither do i..

Foreigner..

2010-04-15T14:54:00.003+07:00

Foreigner..

Forget it.. Forget FireFly & CAAS..
Maybe just no hope for a foreigner..

And again i come to question
how worth i am for a scholarship..

If there's such thing called "best" for me?
called "beyond imagination"?

The end of May, i shall decide
may let go some and take one..
or let go all and have greater faith..

Don't let me doubt..
Don't let me get ruined..

i don't know what i am doing now..
mercy please.. abundantly..

A kiddy song that i shall sing
faithfully and courageously,

"Kutahu Tuhan pasti buka jalan..

Kutahu Tuhan pasti buka jalan..

Asalku hidup suci, tidak turut dunia..

Kutahu Tuhan pasti buka jalan.."

dear Mr Matthew Henry

2010-04-13T21:59:00.003+07:00

Dear Mr Matthew Henry,

I fall in love with your expository writings!
Your Bible Commentary rocks!
But, how can you wrote that long for just 3 short verses?
As if your comments can be a sermon already..
Great writings anyway! :)

Your elaboration is really insightful and deep..
I gain so much!
Thank God for a man like you! :)

Though it's very wordy i should say..:P
Maybe the presentation can be improved,
so a visual & dynamic person like me
can stay longer gazing at the words..
Need help? I'm kidding..
You'r good enough..:D

You know, i have not have such wisdom to His Words..
Oh yeah I'm jealous.. (is there holy jealousy? haha!)
My bad speed reading + taking lightly habit
often refrain me to patiently dig and ponder..
Well i'm learning anyway.
Meanwhile, i need your help, ok?

One day, i shall explore the His Words
by myself without you. :)
Watch out!
Learning from you, a damn smart man of God..

Best regards,
Dyna Shonata
-Your new student-

An Act of Loving to My Master..

2010-04-13T21:00:00.002+07:00

An Act of Loving to My Master..

Referring to my previous post..
After listening to Mr Hendra Rey's sermon,
he define true love as
"loving through giving all potentials
that we have to a person that we love
even to the extent that it hurts"

I'm still in my struggle on the future,
I like what he said,
"God calls, God comforts, God opens ways"
I trust, I believe..

Captured by a Greater Force

2010-04-13T09:32:00.003+07:00

Captured by a Greater Force.. -written 13 Apr 2010

I was angry, unhappy..
Life is a constant battle defeating self worldliness towards Godliness..
Ain't easy, hurtful..
But constant victory is an assurance
when we hold firmly to the Mighty One..
Obviously the victory isn't getting what we want..
But the victory of getting what He wants,
which is surely the best for us
whether we realize it now or later..

I was about to book a ticket to Jakarta for today..
All my ways are closed by Him..
It's obviously shown that this isn't His will..
You may ask, "God closes ur way?"
"How you know it isn't His will?"

When u have a close relationship with a person,
Many things need no explanation..

by little/some gestures of that person

Just a look, a movement, an expression,

a feeling felt or shown..

you understand..

you have greater sensitivity than anyone else..

You can sense, feel, experience..
No guidelines nor professor's thesis are able
to define exactly the depth of relationship..

The problem lies
you deny it, act not to know..
or accept it..

When God is your Loved One,
it's more than accepting what He wants..
It's obedience 'cos He knows what is best..

But, my self-ness is a rebel..
Well, I am a rebel..
I born with a rebellious nature,
a crazy hedonist with worldly pursuit..
A battle in diminishing my wants that apart from His will
is hard! Cos i want it as well..

As I am His.. More and more love Him..
More and more like Him..
Out of my personal pursuit,
I'm angry..
Cos my life is really not my own anymore..
I'm captured by a Greater Force
higher and bigger than myself..
I can't help but surrender..

To the extent,
I have no power to rebel
nor strength to do my own pursuit
nor heart to disobey His will..
I am captured, not jailed!
It's hurtful to my rebellious free soul..
It's heart-aching to my worldly fun..
It's upsetting to my self-centric feeling..
But, this is a process, refinement..

I can use all my might to run away
To experience all pleasures I seek..
But the troubled soul with no joy of Him
cause much "damage" to my being..
I can't stand that damage of
hurting One that I love..

Like a fish meant to be in the water..
So my soul can't afford to be apart from Him..

I have a life that is contained within His will..
No, it's not a bad thing..
In every inch of my whereabouts,
i have to seek His will.. (even holidays! What!)
'Cos when i don't care about Him,
ways are dark, heart is bruised..
Not that He is bad
shutting ways or slashing my heart..
It's our relationship affected, this the cause of my self action..
The ways and the heart are the results of my self-rebellion..

So, why God is so bad not letting me to Jakarta?
Meeting my old best-friend since 3 years old,
or my cousin and nephews
or have a good break after jailed by interviews in Singapore?

Well, my fault..
I've been like Jonah, running away from what He wants..
Before this want to Jakarta,
In my conversation with Him,
I'm wondering if i shall take a commitment
to study His words 2 hours + listen/read a sermon per day..
This Jakarta trip obviously gonna slip me away from this..
I know He wants this commitment of mine..
to be closer to Him, his heart and his will..

I surrender all..

"We have to keep letting go,

and slowly and surely the great full life of God

will invade us in every part"

-Oswald Chambers,

my spiritual haphazard guru-

Dear Mr Stephen Tong

2010-04-11T22:29:00.004+07:00

Dear Mr Stephen Tong,

I've been wanting to attend to your church and hear your sermons.
It has been since last month and i failed week after week.
Next week i'm still not able to.
Phew, no "divine appointment" huh?

Wishing to learn more from you, a devoted man of God.
And teach & inspire me to be closer to my Lord and His will.

Best regards,
Dyna Shonata

You and me..

2010-04-05T18:10:00.003+07:00

When the plain moment turns exceptional..

When normal, routine, and expected to others

turn special, rare, and unexpected..

When a fairytale story turns alive..

i don't know why, can't keep my eyes off of you..

Dyna has Moved

2010-03-31T13:48:00.003+07:00

Dyna has Moved! written 31 March 2010

Well, I've moved from Bedok 2 YCK,
to my aunt's house..
Initially I was about to refuse
because i don't feel good
intefering common life of my cousins..

Guest what?
I feel so homie here..
The culture is very much like my Mom's..
Peaceful room..
Food that unendingly come..
More intense Hokkien language..
Family joke & laughter..
It's my family custom maybe to keep "pushing" food
to guests/children..

Gosh, i'm afraid i'm too well-fed..